Survs up.

This was a survey I took.

I figured it could substitute as an entry.

1.) Are you single or taken?
-Taken.

2.) Who is your person of interest?
-Jake.

3.) How long have you known this person (if you said their name before or not).
-Since the start of September 2007, as in, since the start of the school year. Though if you ask him we didn't know each other then, because we didn't really talk. In other words, I paid a hell of a lot more attention to him than he did to me. xD

4.) When was the last time you talked to them?
-Right before I got on the bus. I just tried calling him but his phone is off. I think I may have woke him up and he turned it off then. Whoops.

5.) Can you describe your feelings towards them?
-Accurately? Probably not.

6.) Try.
-Wow. Creepy follow up question much? Okay, because I'm worried that the next question will be "no, seriously, do it or we'll kill you," I guess I'll try, though I'm not sure my words can describe it. My feelings towards him. Well, I'm not sure if you'd say these are towards him, but I feel totally and completely lost without him. I miss him every second he's not with me in this weird way. When I'm with him I just don't want to let him go in the completely cliche way. If I am electricity then he is my outlet because whenever I need a place to go he is there for me, even if it takes a little while. I just FEEL towards him, if that makes sense. That wasn't supposed to be taken sexually, but, I just feel almost every possible feeling imaginable towards him at the same time in this messed up lump of feelings that I didn't even know existed.

7.) How often do you see this person?
-Not often enough, especially now that we have no classes together.

8.) Do you know this person's friends?
-Some of them.

9.) Do they like you?
-Some of them. Some (as in one) of them REALLY like me if you catch my drift. xD

10.) How do they feel towards you?
-Well. I mean, it's not as if I can ever know for sure, and I can't describe his feelings for him, but I imagine that he feels some version of the same?

11.) How do you feel about that?
-Well. I don't know. If he feels anything in comparison to how I feel, which I think he does, then I feel good, but to admit it, a little scared? It makes you pretty vulnerable.

12.) Describe this person?
-I hate describing people. I can describe their inside or their outside, or both, but in general how do you describe someone? Seeing as the next question will probably be TRY, I guess I will do just that, try. Jake is...I am so at a loss for words. I mean, there is school Jake, and phone Jake. Phone Jake makes me happy and sad at the same time. Phone Jake makes me teal but in a good way, sort of? Phone Jake is the Jake I think I like the most, not that I dislike school Jake, just school Jake is more fake just as school basically anyone is. So OMG IT'S 11:11. Sorry, had to make a wish. Anyways, so Jake is really caring, and his feelings all seem to be strong. The people he cares about, he really cares about, and then the people who he decides that he doesn't, he doesn't. He's pretty emotional, but that is so understandable, because I just don't get how some people aren't emotional. He's smart, and strange, and very out there, and I can't say how much himself he is, but I like to think that he is himself a lot of the times, or at least around me, because I want to know that I'm talking about the real Jake in this myspace survey.

13.) Try.
-I already did.

14.) Do you think they'll fill this out?
-No, I don't. But I think that if he reads it, maybe, JUST MAYBE, he'll respond to it.

15.) Do you think they'll read it?
-I'm pretty sure that if he sees it he will.

16.) Is your relationship complicated?
-Not in the messy love-triangle kind of way, but it's complicated in the regular relationship kind of way. We can be overly mature sometimes, and then other times we do or say stupid things that hurt each other, and then there is schedule conflicts and our age and those factors obviously complicate things, but if you mean "is there 2 women involved" or something, then, no, it's not complicated, it's very straight forward. We are going out for sure, and we are a closed relationship for sure.

17.) Do you miss them right now?
-Yes. I really want to sit and talk to him for hours, in person, but I can't even talk to him on the phone because his is off. So that really sucks, because right now my mind and my entire body just wants to be near to him, and I just want to keep talking until there are no words left and then I just want to sit and look at each other until we both fall asleep. That is how I miss him right now, as in, if you didn't catch my answer before, yes I miss "them" right now.

18.) How would you feel if they told you they don't like you?
-Hurt, confused, horrible, sick, used, and other feelings that don't have words. Hurt, for obvious reasons I assume. Confused because I would want to know what had happened that had made him suddenly not like me, or if he hadn't liked me all along. Horrible because without my outlet I'd be this useless electricity that has no way of getting to the outside world. Sick because of that feeling you get when you hear bad news in the bottom on your stomach and the top of your throat. Used because I would wonder why he was bothering these last few months if it all just took an 180 in an instant.

19.) Do you think they are good looking?
-In a strange unconventional way? Like, you know that whole thing where you may not think someone is good looking, but if you like them, then some how to you they are good looking? I'm not sure if that's it, but I think it is, so somehow to me he is the best looking person ever. And of course, with the prettiest eyes.

20.) If you had to choose between them and your best friend, who would you choose?
-Well. God. Why am I having to choose? I mean, if HE made me do that, then my best friend. If my best friend made me do that then him. It really just depends who the pressure if coming from, because obviously the pressure is whoever I want to get away from. But if it was just some random outside force, then I'm not sure. I know that sounds horrible but I love them both, but one is easier to talk to, and one I've known forever and will always be there, and how do you choose? Because I mean in a way they are both my best friends. So I'm not sure how to answer this.

Oh boy.

Damn it. Damnit! Damnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnit! Grah! I am going to go insane. It feels like it's been days since I last talked to him, and these stupid 4 minute conversations that are just giving me a TASTE of what I COULD be having if he had time to talk are killing me. I feel like throwing up. I feel awful. What does withdrawl feel like? Anyone here know? If you do, pleeease comment. I am curious to know if it's what I'm feeling. I need to talk or to cry or something. I haven't had one of those long 4 hour talks in too long. To tell you the truth I'm not sure I COULD tell you when my last one was. I am assuming it was before finals, he wouldn't let me talk that long on a day of a final. So when were finals? And what does that mean for talking? It means I haven't just talked for a week or more. Do you know how insane that is for me? I have talked everything out of my system lately, and now I'm not doing that and my head is about to explode and my throat is going to collapse and my lungs are going to stop working unless my brain stops working first (though my lungs would stop working either way if you think about it). Can I really last until tommorow night? Can I? To be honest I'm not sure I can, not without some type of reprecussions, whatever they might be (why kind of reprecussions come from this sort of thing?). How on earth am I going to be able to sleep tonight? Sleep...gosh that seems like a far away thing, but I'm supposed to be doing it in about an half an hour. Are you kidding me? Sleep? Then? How on earth would one MANAGE such a thing. It's impossible, I'm sure of it. I can't sleep. I have to talk. I have a million things on my mind but I need a push to start saying them and not just anybody can give me that push because no one seems to be able to keep me rambling like he can and you'd think that it would be easy for anyone to, but I just feel more comfortable talking about anything and everything under the sun with him so that is who I really need to talk to now isn't it? Except that I have to wait and I am going to explode and I hate the fact that I don't think this stupid phone of his can recieve calls but only send them. Oh geez oh geez oh geez. Someone help me. My head feels so messy and jumbled and I can't hold a decent conversation with anyone without getting distracted by a different thought and I just need to ramble on. The only rambling I've had a chance to do today other than this is earlier in English. And yes, I loved that conversation of course. It was such a brilliant conversation and I wish that could have gone on for class periods and class periods and if you don't know the topic of conversation then here it is: What is society's mood over all. Are they pessimistic or optimistic (in general). And is society happy in general? For anyone who went to that one Philosophy Club Meeting, doesn't THAT sound familiar? I would keep up with this post but my ranting has switched over to an AIM conversation with David Fry and I really don't have the concentration right now to do both. tje;awoiti;awjetwaoet AHHH AHHH AHHH.
That is about what my brain sounds like right now, the last part that is. You know, the thing similar to w;jateiowaje AHHH AHH AHH. Oh boy.

Oh my...

I'm not sure how to fall asleep without the sound of him saying goodnight. How am I supposed to rest when I haven't had a chance to talk out all these things I have on my mind for hours. I have a full mind, and not being able to empty it a bit before I'm supposed to sleep is just asking for trouble. How can I last however long it takes before he can use a phone. Ahh, the phone. In my opinion, the greatest invention ever.

I feel really awful. I bit two of my favorite guys today; David and Jake. I almost broke through the skin on both of them I think...or at least I know I almost broke through the skin on David, Jake wouldn't let me see his hand (which by the way, he is much stronger than me). I feel really bad, and in consolation, I've bitten myself about 24 times since I got home.

Oh, and what the fuck is with Drew skipping out on the majority of his last full day at Churchill?

Death and Tears

No, not taxes. Taxes mean nothing to me at fifteen years old. But tears do. Tears mean a lot to me. Tears, which you may have noticed, I've color coded. Lately my tears are because of death. No, no one died. But I've been thinking about it. It all started with a chair. No I'm lying, it didn't start with a chair at all, I just wanted to make that reference. It all started with a dream, or I suppose you could say a phone call, but let's go with the obvious route, which is the dream. The dream where Jake died. The most terrible dream I can remember having as of late. I woke up with my pillow soaked, it tasted like salt, and I was still crying. Then, it all came back with a phone call (no, not the previously mentioned one). I was supposed to explain what I would do in the 24 hours after Jake died. What would I do? I would crumble. This may have been the first time on the phone that I just sat there, crying, for 10 minutes. Tears, just falling tears. I don't even know what color they would be. Blue or blood red? No one actually died, so would they be qualified as death tears? Would they be some weird purple color because they are sadness and death? I don't know. But death is on my mind and it won't die away. Pun half intended.
I want to shower.
But I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to shower alone.
I would crumble.
Just lay at the bottom of the tub.
Water about my ears.
I need to shower.
But can I face the drowning water alone?
Why is the water drowning me? Why can't I get this hypothetical thing off my mind? I don't want to think about someone I love disappearing forever. I don't want to think about me sitting there calling them knowing they could never answer. I don't want to think about me in a ball in the middle of B hall waiting for the day to be over. I don't want to think about never being able to hear his voice again.
I love to hear his voice in my ear.

Understand Me?

I am just sort of thinking, and I just sort of feeling like going back to writing like how some of my old posts used to be, where I wouldn't be reporting, I'd just be spouting. Spouting of sentences and words which you can only know what they mean if you are involved.
I'm in the mood for a drama. No, not for some drama, but for a drama. Why is it that when I'm in the mood for a comedy, I get a tragedy, and when I'm in the mood for a tradgedy, I get a comedy? Is that just how life is or something? You get the exact opposite of want you want? I'm being quite the melodramatic right now. I don't know. Maybe it's just becasue I came home, layed down, and all the happiness I had collected tonight sort of drowned. If that even makes any sense. I'm not really sad right now, but I'm not close to happy either. I'm not quite apathetic, but I'm for sure not full of feeling. So where does that put me? Just feeling with no particular feeling at all? Do these words even make sense to you? What color would my tears be right now if I was crying? Not yellow, but not blue, and certaintly not deep teal. They aren't black or either reds, so what would they be? I suppose it doesn't matter because I'm not crying, nor do I feel like crying. I'm not sure what I feel like right now, which as you may have noticed, is what I've been saying this whole post.

Can anyone understand me?