The questioner

To My Dearest Readers,

I have recently discovered a much less stressful way of living, though I am not sure that I can really tell you which part of my life which has changed in the past month or so has made my life less stressful. It could be meeting one truley amazing person who can almost read my mind, or it could be talking to someone who I have known for a while who has brought my back down to earth, or it could possibly just be a change in a relationship that has made things a little more surface, but quite a bit more calm. Of course my life is going to change again in the next month or so, and I do welcome this change as one of the relationships feels a tad empty how it is, as does my day.
This however, if not what I wanted to convey to you all. What I wanted to tell you about is what I realized today while talking to a good friend of mine. I will welcome pain for one happy moment. I will endure sadness for one joyful time. I rather have 100 sad experiences for every one happy one than to have no experiences at all. That is to say that, if a mere 1% of my life is happy experiences than I would not end it, that I would keep on living to experience that 1%. This shows, obviously, that I am not suicidal, or does it? It does not say that I would not be wishing to die, I do not think, but shows that part of me will grip onto life despite the rest of me wanting to fall into the pit of death. This is not saying that at this moment, I wish to find a nice cliff and push myself off, and I'm not sure what it is saying at all. Maybe what I feel isn't true, maybe with 100 to 1 sad experiences I would not be able to stand it, but with overwhelming feelings of no escape, I do not reach for the one escape that is always ready.
Or maybe that's not true.
I'm not sure what is true anymore.
As a side note, does anyone know who I can trust? I feel there are two people, and had you told me who those two people were a month ago, I would have laughed in your face.
Or would have I?

From,
The questioner.

Go back to the start...

The other day I was sitting there thinking about how much of a mess everything and everyone is. Do you ever wonder what things would be like if we could just start it over? I don't know if I mean go back to the start, because I'm not sure how that would work. I have an odd feeling that it's possible that I would have ended up going out with Justin if I had the option to go back to the start, and I don't want that, not that Justin is gross, but I want to be with Jake. But, what if we could all just start over. Just like, everyone agrees to forget the past and start fresh? Would that be nice? To just be able to clear your record and just start with raw feelings toward everything instead of having all this mess and confusion and history to mess everything up?
But what if we did actually go back and start over? I wonder what would have happened. My first impressions would have been better, or maybe just different. I could have made less of an ass of myself, but what if I had a great impression with, say, Jake at first? Things would not have likely turned out how they are now. But then again, isn't that the point, to change things? Yes, and no, I say. I want things to change, but I want the basic skeleton to be the same. I just want the tone of everything to be different. Better. Except, that isn't possible is it? You can't get everyone to agree to start over because that isn't how humans are programmed, but wouldn't that be a great thing? You wouldn't have to deal with your past all the time. You wouldn't have to look back and wish that things had been different, because you wouldn't have to look back at all.
That's what I want.
...
Or is it?

Is this the life of adolescence?

If you are reading this then do me a favor. Stop for a minute. Look away from the computer screen, not yet, but once you finish reading what to do. When I say go. So, like I said, look away from the computer for a moment, stare at a wall near you or the ceiling; it doesn't really matter. Take a moment to think. Just think about how the past two weeks have been for you. I don't mean how they have been for you on the sruface, like, I got an A on my test, or I got an E on my test, or something, but how you have been feeling. Let yourself really remember how you've felt, dont' try to force yourself into false feelings. Be honest withyourself just for a moment. Go.
Now that you are looking back, do it again, but this time think about how everyone else in your life has been, or how you think they have honestly been. Think about how I've been, think about how your best friend has been, even think about your parents. Go.
Now that that is through, what did you come up with? Is it just me, or does everyone in general seem to be doing very good or very bad? And why is it that when you stop to think a LOT of people seem to be doing very badly. I'm starting to worry. Maybe it's just the seasonal thing, but some people who I really care about aren't doing very good. In fact, I am worried that some of the people closest to me are falling into a depression almost. Or if not into a depression, then they are falling into something, and I fear that it may be a black hole or nothingness.
But what the hell can we do about it?

It causes me physical pain not to cause her physical pain. xD

So maybe I rather be waiting still.
Okay, well, not anymore. That was a statement I thought a few days ago, but still.
I really am amazed at how many people were worried about me. It's as if hurting me is one of the seven deadly sins or something. It was sort of shocking, but a little annoying too because I couldn't be left alone for a moment to comprehend things. Not that I am complaining that people cared, but I didn't have a moment to think for myself until later that night, when he finally called, and yes, everything is sorted out now, except, that I still can't believe it you know? I still can't believe that he would have done that to me, and I am wondering if he thinks about how dumb it was when he looks into my eyes now, because he says sorry now when he looks into my eyes, and so I wonder if he can still see hurt there. And I want to hurt her. I can't help it. I like what my friend said, "It causes me physical pain not to cause her physical pain." That is the best thing that anyone said to me in all of this, to be quite honest, because somehow that just made me feel so much better.
But anyways, Sweet Charity was, well, sweet. I went twice, and it was pretty dang amazing. I was there early on Saturday so I got to hang with the cast in the pit. That was pretty cool, and Colin is my dog now bitch. ; DD
Wow.
So, now that it is officially a new week, I am so relieved.
Almost Valentines Day, right?

It does, but it's the goddamn truth. --Sahana, my sharer in emptying our souls in blogs.

I hate when waiting is so excruciating that every minute feels like 10 hours, and every hour feels like a decade, or century, or not even that. Just some immeasurable amount of time that you can almost feel going by, because the friction of it is making your body boil, but that anticipation makes you shake, and you just want to implode but you have to keep. on. waiting. And you never know how it's going to end, but you know the slight feeling of emptiness you are going to feel afterwards, even if it ends up good, because despite all that relief you still remember that you had to have that awful feeling of worry, for however long it lasted.

I'm shaking too hard to write, so I'll copy and paste some lyrics.

I wake alone
and pretend that I am finally home.

The room is littered
with her books
and notebooks I imagine what they say, like,
"Shoo fly don't bother me."
I can hardly get myself out of the bed
for fear of never lying in this bed again.

Oh Christ, I'm not that desperate.
Oh no, oh God.
I am.

How'd I end up here to begin with?
I don't know.
Why do I start what I can't finish?
Oh please don't barrage me
with the questions to all those lovely answers.
My ego's like my stomach,
it keeps shitting what I feed it.

Or maybe I don't want to finish anything anymore.

-A portion of "The Recluse" by, Cursive