My Ten Things.

1.) I never quite say what I mean, and I rarely ask for things directly. I tend to say something that I don't mean and expect you to figure out the hidden meaning. I don't like to ask for things a lot of the time, and I hate asking for help, even if it's just asking where I am supposed to sit. I don't like feeling dumb or inferior, and I don't like feeling selfish or mean, or any other bad adjective for saying what I mean.

2.) I force myself to grow resentment. I'm always doing things that I know will cause me to resent those who are close to me. It's my way of keeping people at arms length. I may have you seem, and even be, very close, but I'm always pushing you slightly away.

3.) I abosolutely want to punch people who purposely mispronounce my name. I get it, it looks nothing like how it's pronounced. Adding 50 -er's to the end just makes me want to hit you in the face.

4.) I use my sexuality to be close to people. No, I don't sleep around, but I like to be sexualish with people. Hence why I hug people so much, and why I'll look guys who aren't my boyfriend in the eye when I'm 5 inches from their face. It's not that I "like" them, it's that sexuality is the natural way of feeling close to someone.

5.) I like leaving an impression. As you may or may not have noticed from a lot of my blog posts, I like to leave an impression. I really like to get people thinking. Philosophy should be spread, in my opinion, so my main goal a lot of the time is simply to get you thinking. This normally happens late at night. Rainstorms and certain types of music help.

6.) I have a voice inside my head. I'm not going to go ahead and say I'm schizophrenic, because I realize what's going on. However, ever since I was little, there has been another person inside my head. I named her Sarah. She's a total bitch and is always against what I want, and is highly protective of me. We make bets. If I win, she has to go away for a while. If she wins, I have to hold my breath for a while, which let's her breath, and gain strength. It sounds crazy because it is.

7.) I've never felt quite like I fit. I don't know how many people really have this problem to this extreme, but my entire life, even when I was 5, I remember ALWAYS feeling left out. I have never quite fit. I can be the center of attention but still want to be off alone in my room because I know in my heart that I don't belong there. I can name maybe one point in my life where I felt like I fit, but I don't feel like sharing it.

8.) I get hung up on things. I don't have a weak memory, even if I pretend to forget a lot of things. I often times remember better than you do, though I'll act like I've forgotten completely. However, this is not my point. I get hung up on everything. The little things, the big things, and the inbetween. I remember when I was 12 and was walking around a sand dune with this kid I dated for a while Sam, and I accidentally said Math instead of Science and I am still kicking myself about it. You can't tell me not to worry about something or not think about it. I may outwardly forgive and forget, but I always have it on the back of my mind. It adds to my anxiety.

9.) I like indie music and indie things. I love random indie music. I like random indie clothes. I think Stephanie Cyburt dresses amazingly because it's all so unique. I love the music that's on the OC because it's all indie music or indie bands doing covers. If you are in my family room you'll see tons of sticky notes with lyrics written down so I can find the songs later, such as from commercials and television shows. I don't know as many indie things as I would like to, but when I find something I treat it like treasure. If you have any reccomendations for books, music, or anything, you really should tell me. I'd appreciate it more than you would know. Even if you just find an article you think might interest me. Even if it has nothing to do with indie and just something about the world. I like to spread my knowledge, and I like to know things other people don't. I like to listen to things not everyone does. I like to find something that really fits into who I am.

10.) I'll like you more if you'll have an indepth conversation with me. I like having friendly chats with people, yes, but what really gets to me is getting into really indepth discussions. Philosophy, speaking in riddles, talking about what really matters. What we think about life, the future, death, religion, music, nature, the past, the now, the way things work, you name it. I feel far more connected having one deep discussion with someone than having a lot of regular talks with people.

There's what I have.

CLTCMF!

I wanted to talk about a few points which I've thought about as of late, or that something brought to my attention. These would be crying, love, trust, confusion, music, and family. You can assume as you will how these were brought to my attention, but please don't jump to the obvious conclusion; it's not right.

First off; crying. I just stopped watching the music video to "When You Were Young," by the Killers, which wasn't what brought crying to my attention, but it's what compelled me to post. Crying is an incredibly difficult thing to do. It's easy to start, hard to finish, and painful to take part of. I don't understand people who don't cry. How can you not cry? How does that work as a person? How does that work while having human emotions and feelings. It isn't something that makes you weak. It's something that shows that you are living. You can't live a life free from pain. I don't believe that's possible, and that isn't being cynical, that is being honest. There is no life without pain, there is emptiness. There for, there is no life without crying. I think that's why crying is so painful; life needs the pain. Maybe that's why people cry so much.

Love. Such a simple word, but I don't need to tell you how confusing, busy, talked about, meaningul, meaningless, over used, under used, forgotten, and remembered this word is. It's everything wrapped up into one that is so easy to give out, so easy to recieve, and yet so hard to prove. How can you really prove your love to someone? Why is it that it is so difficult to think about someone not believing that you love them? Why is it so hard to believe that someone loves you? What circumstances does there have to be to allow love to happen? Do you really have to be able to love yourself before you can love someone else? There are so many different forms of love though. How can you really figure out what someone means when they say they love you. To what extent? Do they want to be yours forever, or do they just want to be your friend forever? Which is it? I wish that I knew. I wish I knew the answers of how everone truly felt. I wish I knew how I truly felt about half the people I know, and I wish I could prove to the few people I know for a fact that I love that I love them. I wish.

I don't think that you have to be totally honest to be trustworthy. However, that doesn't stop me from wishing I knew the truth behind peoples words. I hate that you can't trust the things coming out of peoples mouths. I hate that you can't know what parts of what people say you can trust, and what parts you can only trust to be false. That is why I wish I could read peoples minds. You don't have to trust someone if you know what they are thinking. Especially if they don't know that you know what they are thinking. So, I wish I knew just what was going on in the heads of the people I trust, especially when I know they're lying, which, by the way, doesn't make me trust them less. Trust isn't all about knowing the honesty in every situation, it's knowing that people will have your back and give you the truth when the situation really calls for it.

Confusion really goes with the whole trust thing, and the whole someone you trust lying thing. When you get a suspiscion someone you trust is lying, the only result is confusion. What is it that is really going on. Confusion happens to everyone, so I'm sure that everyone knows what I'm talking about. It just sparks your curiosity, confusion, doesn't it? If you are confused because you don't know what is true, then all you have left is plain curiosity of what is true. So, really, confusion just makes you want to know more. And well all know about curiosity.

Music is something that I think I can cover pretty quickly. Music is taking over everyones lives, as it always had. It affects us all so much. We express ourselves through it, feel is, let it run through our veins. Yes, run, not flow. We feel it pounding in our ears whether we listen to it loudly or quietly. It's just this magnificent thing that no one would easily give up. The best thing to alter a mood, and most affective.

I believe that family was the last thing on my list. Spending the day with a family other than your own makes you realize the importance of family. I've been thinking of my family in the past, my family in the present, and the family that I will have of my own in the future. It's interesting to think about. You don't really realize how it will be like to have a family of your own when you are my age. Fifteen is not the time to think about starting a family of your own. It is, however, interesting to think about what that family will eventually be like. Also, how important family really is. How you need that closeness to keep you going at times. How they are always there even when you forget about them. How even when you don't like them, you still can feel close to them at times. It's just an interesting and peculiar thing, family is.

That, basically, is what is on my mind right now. I believe it is now time to research Neptune. So I shall have at it.

You Put the Art in Retarted

The Bravery makes me smile so much. It's pretty cool that they are becoming popular now, because I can hear them on XM radio. I need their newer CD, speaking of which.

Anyways, today was totally great. It didn't start off well, I went to the dentist, actually fell asleep while they drilled my mouth, fell asleep in the waiting room as Dad got his crown done. You know, typical. ; D Then I got Mom her present for tommorow, which I have to wrap soon. Went out to breakfast with Mom and Dad, found out Jake wasn't "in the mood to hang out" which, obviously, dissapointed me. Except, then, guess what? YOU GUESSED WRONG! Cinder Block, John Stevenson and I went to the movies and it was super amazing. They make me smile really, really huge. I guess I'll just see Jake whenever. It'll be cool...on that day that will eventually come.

By the way, Julius Caesar is going to be epic. The trailer is on youtube in navi's channel (xXnavoXx). Watch it. Seriously man.

It makes me want to shoot myself in the head a little

Sometimes I hate seeing the other side of people. Everyone has more than one side; they act different around different people. It's not as if it's some shocking revalation. It doesn't stop me from hating it though. I hate when someone who you think is a little different from the people they hang out with turns into an ass just like the rest of them when they get bored. It really pisses me off.

Sometimes I just lose a little faith in humanity.