What Do I Want?

You know, that's such a good question. Originally I answered saying that I want to be more than content. Then I changed it to I want to be more than content and feel connected to someone. Then I changed it to I want to be more than content, connected to someone, and connected to myself. Now I'm not sure exactly what I want. I think that the main thing that I want is to be connected to myself. I want my actions, words, and thoughts to all match up. The main thing I want it to know what it going on within myself and understand what I do and why I'm doing it, what I say and why I'm saying it, and what I think and how it should effect the other two. I want to be one person instead of many. I feel less detatched from myself and other people.
Just because I don't show detattatchment doesn't mean that the feeling isn't there.
So there is one interesting conversation I've had this week out of the way.
Are you up for another?

Many people say they want to make an impact or change the world, or change something. My question to all of you is, what exactly is it that you want to change. What type of affect do you want to have? Personally, for the moment, I want to be able to change how people think. I want to be able to use my words to inspire people to start thinking about things that are important. I want people to read my words and get their own words flowing, get their minds flowing, to realize things within themselves and around them. I want to change people, not forcefully, but still change them for life. I think that you change everyone you meet, I want to change people for the better. I want to get them thinking about things. In my opinion, starting to think about things that one normally wouldn't think about is a change for the better. There isn't ever any growth if there isn't any change. I want to help people grow. What kind of impact do you want to make? You may answer wherever you like.

Andrea talked about people being generally happy lately. I spoke with her about it rather late at night (or I think it was late at night, I get confused about what time our conversations take place sometimes), and I see what she means. Besides the people who will always be sad, and will never allow themselves to find the light, it seems like everyone is generally on the upside of things. Maybe I'm simply forgetting people, but I quite agree with Andrea. Life seems generally good right now. People have changed, but it appears that after a little bit of thinking and a little bit of just letting things go, people are basically happy. It's really a great thing to see; so many of us are normally so down. I had to admit that I'm probably the happiest this summer then I have been in years. I'm just generally happy, and when I'm not happy I'm at least content. I haven't really been downright sad or upset in a while. I really can't remember the last time I cried which for me is quite unusual. I'm really enjoying this lightheartedness. Things are going generally well for me, yes, but also I'm simply taking things better. I'm way more mellow than I used to be. I think basically I've stopped freaking out about things so much as realized what they really are, and it turns out that many of the things that before would have sent me to tears aren't really all that big of a deal.
I quite like it.
I really hope that this doesn't turn out like the Roaring 20's and turn into a Great Depression.
If nothing else we can listen to Jazz for a while.

I love life. ;D

I've seen the Dark Knight twice. Don't ask me to see it again. I don't have enough money. xD

I love that Andrea and I are practically living together now.
Three cheers for gaining a sister, 'eh?

On a side note, I almost ran down stairs and threw myself on stage when Jason Castro came on (American Idol concert...xD I'm a nerd). He's. So. Great. It's like, throw a pot head who can sing on stage for your entertainment and THEN make him really good looking. Ridiculousness.

On another side note, I wonder what is actually important to me now. If I made a list of things that actually matter to me I wonder if I'd be happy with it or not. I can think of a few things that'd go on there, and it seems foreign. At the same time, this is the first time in a long time that I'm decently happy all the time. So, I suppose foreign doesn't neccisarily been bad, even if I wouldn't have thought of it as great previously. If none of this makes sense I'll simplify it. Things have changed for me. I think before I would have thought of my life as it is now as something I wouldn't want to be in. Now that I'm living it, I love it. Then again, before if you had simply said "single life" I would have thought it was bad. I guess just because things aren't as you planned it doesn't mean it's not great. I suppose throwing in a little...change of plans is great.
Speaking of which, I love the Joker's speech. ;D

edit- I realized that what I did was get rid of the surplus and became much happier. Basically, I lost a lot of friends but the ones who ended up mattering most stayed. Before I was miserable all the time but had a shitload of friends. Now I'm happy and have quite a few less. I got rid of the excess and became much happier.
Who would have thunk.

Track 55

Now that I discovered what Track 10 is I think I miss not knowing what it was. It was better as a mystery. I don't think I'll ever retitle it. It just meant more when all it was was Track 10, with no title holding it down.
It was my own that way.
You can't talk about something without a name.
You can't share something with no title.

This is how the lyric sound. If they aren't quite right I apologize. Everything is a link.

Everybody here is waiting for the next creation,
They say come come come,
Everybody here is waiting for the next creation,
They say come come come,
Everybody here is a crowd, we each walk around with a million faces,
You came up from the ground, from a million little pieces,
Have you found where your place is?
Have you found where your place is?
Have you found where your place is?

Well there was a time when you let me know,
What was really going on below,
But now you never show that to me do ya?
But remember when I moved in you,
And the holy dove was moving too,
And every breath we drew is hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah.

Change, everything you are and everything you were,
Your number has been called,
Fight, battles have begun,
Revenge will surely come,
Your hard times are ahead.
Best, you've got to be the best,
You got to change the world, and use this change to be heard.
You're time is now (your time is now).
Change.
Everything you are.
And everything you were.
Your number has been called.
Fight.
Battles have begun.
Revenge will surely come.
Your hard times are ahead.
Best, you've got to be the best.
You've got to change the world.
And use, this chance to be heard.
Your time is now (your time is now).
*epic music in the strongest sense of the word*
Don't let yourself down, don't let yourself go.
Your last change has arrived.
Best.
You've got to be the best.
You've got to change the world.
And use this chance to be heard.
Your time is now (your time is now).

If this is the life, why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray, grow up and blow away.
If this is the life, why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray, grow up and blow away.
Nobody knows which street to take,
You took the easy way, what was the easy way?
First double crosser heart he wants to start a family, she always thought she would not.

Way out in Seattle young Kurt Cobain snuck out to the greenhouse put a bullet in his brain,
Snakes in the grass beneath our feet, rain in the clouds above,
Some moments last forever, and some flare out in love love love.

I wake, alone, in a woman's room I hardly know,

I wake, alone, and pretend that I am finally home.

The room is litered with the books and notebooks

I imagine what they say like shoo fly don't bother me.

And I could hardly get myself out of the bed, for fear of

Never lying in this bed again.

Oh Christ I'm not that desperate,

Oh no.

Oh God.

I am.

How did I end up here to begin with, I don't know.

Why do I start what I can't finish.

Oh please don't barrage me with the questions to all those ugly answers,

My ego's like my stomach, it keeps shitting what I feed it.

But maybe I don't want to finish anything, anymore.

Maybe I can stay in bed until she comes home and whispers,

You're in my web now,

I've come to wrap you up tight 'til it's time to bite down.

I wake alone in a woman's room I hardly know,

I wake alone and pretend that I am finally home.

Home.

Home.

Home.

Home.

Home.

Home.

You're in my web now.

ANDREA AND I NEED YOUR HELP!

So, we were thinking about the seven deadly sins.
And then we were thinking about people.
And we want you (not to join the US army) to tell us who you think most embodies/exemplifies each seven deadly sin.
Plus the eighth one which we just added, as it is in all honesty deadly.
That being idiocy.
So just respond to this with who you think is each sin.
Which in case you need a reminder is....

WRATH- Basically anger. I think you can figure out the meaning by yourself.
SLOTH- Lazy, never wants to do anything, hasn't seen the light of day...
LUST- Someone who is lusted after and lusts after others preferably.
GREED- This isn't just for money. Someone who is always wanting.
ENVY- Someone who always wants what OTHERS have.
PRIDE/VANITY- Someone who thinks highly of themselves. Very pompous.
GLUTTONY- Someone who indulges all of the time, not just with food but with things in their life in general.
Plus our extra sin.
IDIOCY- Someone who most likely endangers themselves by being so incredibly stupid.

By the way, we aren't going to go around yelling OMG OMG OMG GUESS WHAT THIS PERSON SAID ABOUT THIS PERSON.
We just really want to know what you think, as we have a list of our own. ;D

You can e-mail the results or message us at myspace.
My e-mail is epsilina@yahoo.com

The Irony of it All

I hate how whenever something good happens it has to be balanced by something bad. You can have one really great day, but at the end of the day it all has to come crashing down in a frustrating mess. I guess it doesn't have to happen that way, but it seems like that's how it ends up happening doesn't it?
I know what I want in some ways, and I don't know what I want in other ways. The funny thing is I know what I want to do this up coming week, but I know it's not going to happen. It would be so great, the best week ever, I swear. I wish there was a way. I wish I could be open. I wish I didn't have a web of confusion. Bleh.
I wonder how long I can lay in bed before someone calls and wants to do something or talk. As of late, I don't think very long. It's kind of funny in my mind, because a few weeks ago I could have spent days in bed without interruption except from my parents. I love how I have the opposite of what I want in the time that it happens. There are a select few people I want to be with, or, well, a select few people and then a group of people.
What on earth do I want and what on earth is going to happen in this next couple weeks and who the hell am I going to be when I enter school again and who the hell is going to be with me?
My plans keep getting interrupted by life.

61 Songs

For Lizzi and everyone else who enjoys music in general. I know I forgot a lot of songs that I love in the effort to narrow it down to 61. I have so much more music I’d love to share, but here are 61 of my favorite songs in no particular order.

1. Grow Up and Blow Away, Metric – 4:26

2. Hospital Beds, Cold War Kids – 4:48

3. From My Own True Love (Lost at Sea), The Decemberists – 3:44

4. The Mariner’s Revenge Song, The Decemberists – 8:48

5. Virgin With a Memory, Destroyer – 2:40

6. The Crossover, Destroyer – 5:04

7. Satin in a Coffin, Modest Mouse – 2:37

8. Love Love Love, The Mountain Goats – 2:49

9. Apocalypse Please, Muse – 4:13

10. Megalomania, Muse – 4:41

11. Micro Cuts, Muse – 3:43

12. Dilaudid, The Mountain Goats – 2:10

13. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot, Brand New – 4:48

14. Butterflies and Hurricanes, Muse – 5:06

15. Everybody Here is a Cloud, Cloud Cult – 3:16

16. Expectations, Belle & Sebastian – 3:43

17. Green Eyes, Coldplay – 3:41

18. Mad World, Gary Jules – 3:10

19. Newborn, Muse – 6:05

20. Nothing Can Be Explained (vocal version), Mike Wysgowski – 3:27

21. Piazza New York Catcher, Belle & Sebastian – 3:02

22. Rush of Blood to the Head, Coldplay -5:05

23. Sea of Love, Cat Power – 2:18

24. Sing for Absolution, Muse – 4:59

25. Staying Alive, Cursive – 10:06

26. Tautou, Brand New – 1:53

27. Temple of Light, Russell Shaw – 2:39

28. Time is Running Out, Muse – 4:00

29. Together, The Raconteurs – 4:00

30. Waltz #2, Elliot Smith – 4:36

31. Paper Planes, MIA – 3:24

32. Saint John, Cold War Kids – 3:50

33. Robbers, Cold War Kids – 3:34

34. Passing the Hat, Cold War Kids -3:27

35. The Recluse, Cursive – 3:05

36. Into Dust, Ashtar Command – 9:04

37. Razorblades and Handgrenades, Josiah Leming – 3:52

38. Challengers, The New Pornographers – 3:30

39. Black Swan, Thom Yorke – 4:49

40. Chicago, Sufjan Stevens – 6:05

41. The Commander Thinks Aloud, The Long Winters – 4:19

42. Child Psychology, Black Box Recorder – 4:07

43. Car Song, Elastica – 2:24

44. It’s Alright Baby, Komeda – 2:51

45. Myriad Harbour, The New Pornographers – 3:56

46. Hunter, 30 Seconds to Mars – 3:55

47. Stay Put!, The Blood Arm – 3:17

48. Sowing Season (Yeah), Brand New – 4:33

49. Clint Eastwood, Gorillaz – 5:55

50. Summer Skin, Death Cab for Cutie – 3:14

51. Bang On, The Breeders – 2:03

52. Something Vague, Bright Eyes – 3:34

53. Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley – 6:54

54. Peace Frog, The Doors – 2:59

55. The End, The Doors – 11:47

56. Half Jack, The Dresden Dolls – 5:25

57. For the Actor, Mates of State – 4:53

58. A Martyr for My Love for You, The White Stripes – 4:22

59. Minds Eye, Wolfmother – 4:57

60. Reverse of Shade, The Windupdeads – 3:45

61. Me and the Moon, Something Corporate – 4:08

I really hope that you take the time to listen to some of them.

Faulkner...

Does Anse think that God is a communist..?

It's time.

I've made a new plan, goal, or whatever it is you would like to call it for summer. In short, remember what life should really be about. I plan to have fun this summer, have a little me time, do things I normally wouldn't have time to do, work on the story that I've always wanted to, go outside and take walks, read those books I keep telling myself to, basically, do what I want to do instead of whatever I get myself roped into. I'm happy to be single, because it means I can just have fun without having my heartstrings tugged at all the time. I can think about myself instead of always having to think about more than one person. I have a lot less to worry about, which I think is good. I need some time free from worry. I'm really quite excited.
I know that I have probably said things like this every year, but I really mean it this time. I want to feel refreshed. I want to enjoy things instead of wallow in everything. I need to crawl out of all this muck I have poured on myself. I have no reason to be sad, so why am I wasting my time on it all the time? I have a lot of opportunity right now, and I am going to take advantage of it.
It's time to change our lives.
It's time to make them what we want them to be.
Who's with me?