After just having said how great life is I still haven't changed my mind. Except I'm crying. I love life right now except that I'm just...I don't know. I'm scared and lonely and I'm listening to Vienna by Billy Joel on repeat. It feels like that song is my life right now. Things are
so good. I think I'm just scared and confused and I'm not used to my surroundings. I'm not
used to happiness. I don't know if that's what it is.
Edit;;
Do you ever think you're missing the finer points in life?
I think I'm missing the simple things sometimes. You see pictures of people having fun doing something simple like walking barefoot through grass, and kicking up water in a creek, and all those things that make for great photographs. Like movies based around teenage boys decades ago, where they just had fun any enjoyed life, even when bad things happened, they still had their priorities in the order that they should be when you're that age. Sometimes I think that we're all growing up too fast and trying to do too many things. I think maybe I'm missing out on things I am never going to be able to get back.How can I let all the little moments pass me by?
Do you ever feel like your missing out on that bond?
You always see in movies or books a group of kids who are bound together in an unbreakable bond. Sure, they often get broken apart for a while, but then they always find a way to make it back. I don't know if I have that unbreakable bond. I'm worried that I'm missing it. I'm worried that I maybe do have one but it's not the one I need. I don't have those people that I can always run back to.I think maybe, maybe if I'm lucky I have one person I can always run to. At the same time though, I'm not totally sure that she's always going to be there. In the books they always know. They have a real connection.
Do you ever just want to shake someone?
Yes. I want to shake people often. Especially lately when people are just sad and complaining. I want to shake them and scream at the top of my lungs, "YOU'RE MISSING OUT! YOU'RE SPENDING ALL OF YOUR TIME BEING MISERABLE AND MISSING OUT ON GOING OUT AND BEING HAPPY!" I just want people to stop wallowing and start enjoying. I don't know how much it takes to really be happy. I think we're afraid of it almost. I don't want people to realize later when it's too late that they spent all of their good times being miserable.
Have you ever sat down and listened to Vienna by Billy Joel on repeat?
I am now. I am listening and listening and realizing how much it is my life. I am realizing that even if maybe it isn't my life, it is how I feel. Just, something about it explains how I feel. It's the best way to describe to everyone what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling right now. I need people to understand. I think every teen should sit down in the right mood and listen to it. I think people need to listen to it and think about their life. I feel that it's needed, it's needed for everyone to grow. And we need it. We need to grow. As people, not out of childhood. I don't think we should do that just yet. I know we all already missed out on a lot of it. These are our last years.
Andrea- Thank god you exist in this world. Sometimes I think you are the only person I still have to go to who I don't feel like I have to hide from.
Or at least, the only person left who I don't have to hide things from. You really are my best friend. I care about you so much, and I swear to god you are the only person who I think really understands why I do what I do and what I mean when I say things. I don't know what I'd do without you. Honestly. I'm crying writing this, I just really need you to be there for me, and I really hope that you will continue to be. You're a great friend, you really are. I hope that you always know that I love you.
People who dislike me- I'm a basket case with good intentions. I'm sorry. I rather be your friend.
Steph- I love you. We're a lot different, especially as we've grown, but that hasn't changed, and I hope it never will.
Evan- I love talking to you. I must admit. Our conversations so far have just made me smile when I hang up, leave, or sign off. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to properly thank you for that.
What do you want?
Andrea, you ask this. I think what I want right now, right this moment is more memories like walking through the creek with my pants rolled up, Ryan's garage (the movie and sleeping over too), Music from the Garage, and others like that. The ones I can look back at and smile. Real memories that aren't muddled with pointless drama and things that won't matter and will ruin a fond memory. I want more of those.
I think that's all for now.
