Wow.

I just read over some old blog posts of mine, and was that weird.
For instance, I read over that one where I told 10 things about myself for Natalie, and it amazes me how much of that is still perfectly true for me, yet in a different way almost. And now I'm thinking like how I used to think a lot when I would post a blog. In an odd, beautiful, barely coherant and rambling way. Except when I read it over now with a fresh set of eyes it all makes sense to me-perfect sense. And I like that I'm thinking like this again, because I'm not sure how much I really think anymore.
So you want to know what? I'm not sad but I think I need to cry. I just think that I need to cry. I haven't really lately, and I've been lonely and I think it would make me feel better just to let some of that out. It's funny almost to me, but I don't know. I miss people. I miss having connections with those who are actually close by. Perhaps humans are meant to live in pairs, because it seems that people pair off a lot, not just in couples but in general. And when your friends start pairing off it's hard to have someone you can really turn to and have it feel natural. I mean, it's nice to have someone who will be there for you, but it's different than having that person who is the natural fit. It feels like all of my natural fits are far away, and that they might as well be in a different universe because that's how often they'll be able to be there in the physical sense. Oh I'm not sure.
I used to have some beautiful things to say. If you are feeling bored, read over some posts I made in March of last year. It amazed me and it might amaze you. Read over your OWN posts from a year ago...it's crazy. It's weird. It's foreign and familiar.

...long time ago...

Picture yourself when you're getting old.
Sat by the fireside a ponderin on.
Picture book, pictures of your mama, taken by your papa,
A long time ago.
Picture book, of people with each other, to prove they love each other,
A long time ago.

I sort of wonder if there is anyone I can go on a walk with anymore without having to talk much.
I sort of wonder why the days lately haven't felt like days at all, but more like spaces between dreams.
I sort of wonder why nothing feels as substantial as before, as if it isn't real.
I sort of wonder if how long I could walk by myself before becoming disillusioned.
I sort of hate disillusionment.
I sort of fear disillusionment.
I sort of feel sick of hearing that word.


::edit::

Things around me are not real. There is music playing in my ears that has all the certainty of tomorrow, and all the reality of a young child’s dreams. I feel the urge to walk on the earth that does not support the weight of my body. I know the smell of the outdoors but it is unfamiliar today. I am stuck in a day that is not a day, but instead a period between dreams. My actuality consists of factuality’s mistakes.

Odd.

It seems like whenever I read something bad or hear something bad, or really, when anything bad happens, I am always listening to the climax of an upbeat song.

"Don't overload yourself senior year, you'll get senioritis. Er...you'll increase the senioritis"

I know that you'll go soon. You'll find out so take me with you always.

I love Natalie Taylor for making me that CD by the way.
There was a long pause between then and now. I'm listening to Be Good now.

Anyways...

I'm lonely. Is that weird? I mean, I suppose it makes sense. I just miss having someone close by to hold me. Then again, even if I wasn't in this relationship I wouldn't have someone close by to hold me because...well...I just don't know that I'd be interested. So I guess I have no room to complain. I mean I got myself here, but still. I'm just a bit lonely. It makes me sad sometimes. It made me really sad the other night. I feel bad for Tyler, because I was crying and kinda being a passive agressive bitch. I don't think he knew what to do, and I don't think he realized how much I missed him in that moment. I guess it just happens to everyone.
I know it does.

I feel really detached from music ever since my iPod broke. It's frustrating me like crazy. I used to swim in it, if not drown in it. Now I am limited to a CD by the Microphones and the CD that Natalie Taylor made me. Thank for those though, or else I'd be going insane. I lost all of my Neutral Milk Hotel. And everything else that was on Steve's computer. Which was half of my good music. Plus I haven't put anything on this tiny 2 gig that my parents let me have (because they never used it) yet, so none of my music is portable because I don't have a CD player.
Gah.

I really feel like swimming. And loving.

It's fine.

Why didn't you call?
Why didn't you respond?
Why didn't you do something?
What does it matter to you?
Really, what does it matter to you?
Were you even listening?
Did you even care or was it just a nuisance?
Can you even admit to me that it was?
What. the. FUCK?
Do you even get how I feel right now?
I know you didn't hear what I was saying the first time.
You only realized when I called back.
But you obviously didn't realize then either.
Not until your Dad was making you get off the phone did you realize.
Well fuck it.
Whatever.

WHATEVER.

...

I never realized that my voice could reach the register that my mom's does when she's upset and screaming.
I guess it can.

This was an exhausting day.

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