Sometimes it hurts when you realize that other people have their own things going on and can't help you with what is going on with you. Everyone has their own shit going on and no one should except anyone else to care about our shit but we all do because we all need help but we all have to find it within ourselves. So then how do we get out of ruts?
I never realized what a drain a show is before I was in one. It's terrible. Physically exhausting and emotionally paralyzing if you ask me. Maybe that isn't true for everyone, but by the last day of the show I was so sick of being there I jsut sat on a desk backstage and tried to pretend like I wasn't there. I want to just sit and watch and laugh at people but I couldn't do that. Except that I didn't really want to laugh I wanted to cry. I can't always tell when I want to laugh and when I want to cry and when I start laughing and then want to cry or when I start crying and then want to laugh.
I spent an hour in the grass the other day.
I found a ball that my dog used to play with in my backyard next to an empty condom wrapper.
I like to look through Steve's room.
I hate standing at school in the morning because I'm alone no matter who I'm with.
I no longer care about saying what I have to say.
I don't think anyone reads this anymore anyways. I no longer know what I need to say.
I don't care.
I can't wait for school to be over with so I can get out.
I just want out.
I'm in a bedroom fourteen stories tall
With tinted glass and foggy windows
I just keep watching all along...
Crawl across towards your window
I'm calling softly from the street
Always a lonely widow
Half awake and sleeping on my feet
I'm of age but have no children
No quarter phone booth calls to home
Just late-night television
Inside my bedroom all alone
There is no use in waiting
Offer up your steps so I can climb
Show me all your figure paintings
Etched in the middle of the night
Let me stretch upon your carpet
Let me hear the rain tap on your street
Knowing I am safe on the inside
Blankets wrapped and drifting off to sleep
It's time to begin, isn't it?
12 years ago