iwannamakenewfriends

So...
all the thoughts in my head.

• If there is ever an alarm attached to my chair and some young punk talks to my like I'm a child, I will find a way to kill myself.
• I imagine that if I ever were to kill myself at any age that I would write several lengthy suicide notes and never be satisfied with any of them, because that is how I am now with everything that I try to write or say or prove or live or breath or talk or whatever or whatever or whatever.
• I can't cry anymore. Not that I have a whole lot of time to cry, or that I have a whole lot of reasons to cry. But I don't know, it is weird, you know? I mean I always cry during movies and shows and I can't. And when I feel like shit I can't. And when I feel insulted and angry I can't react properly. I can't...I don't know. My emotions are all out of whack. My acting SUCKS because of it. I feel so disgusting when we're working on Sparks in the Park. I just know how bad I'm doing and I can't get into it so I keep messing up my lines even though I know them. And I just feel weird.
• I want to make some new friends! I want to make some new friends who don't already have these ideas about me so I can start to break out of this stupid weird shell I have myself in because I'm not how I act all the time and I can't stop it because people expect it and expect it and expect it and I just want to stop having people expect all this stuff and it isn't even something I like. I don't like it. I just want to break out and crawl away and find something that feels right and go to that instead of putting up this wall that doesn't even look like a wall. It probably looks more like glue or something to other people, like all I do is put myself all over everyone because that way they don't care what I say or what I do because all they see is that and that is all they care about because that is how people are right? Yeah. Right.