Whoops

I forgot to post on the last day of August. Oh well I guess.

Here goes another year!

I want to create something beautiful, and I have an idea for a non-fiction book.
I'll keep you updated on my progress of both (though I'm not posting anything about my non-fiction book in specifics on here, because this is public and if I really get going I don't want anything to be stolen).
However, I can keep you updated on the something beautiful all I want.

I had a really good night tonight.
Thanks for finally telling me. Not that you read this.
Not that I think you know of its existence, but it's all the same to me.

I want kisses and hugs from everyone. I'll return I promise. :D

I want to challenge myself more. I have this idea for a challenge a day, that someone gives me something everyday that challenges myself. Simple stuff, like...try a new food. Or dance in front of people, or talk to a certain person or just little personal challenges. If I can get this started I'll keep a nice little record on here, and a calendar of challenges, however I need some to get my started. PLEASE POST. I'll put something on facebook sometime too.

Anyways, LOVE.
Bye.

Summer Blog

I have a blog for the summer, though I'll write in this also.

http://www.explosioncommotion.blogspot.com

My dream girl don't exist, at the age of five she slit her wrists

Sometimes it hurts when you realize that other people have their own things going on and can't help you with what is going on with you. Everyone has their own shit going on and no one should except anyone else to care about our shit but we all do because we all need help but we all have to find it within ourselves. So then how do we get out of ruts?
I never realized what a drain a show is before I was in one. It's terrible. Physically exhausting and emotionally paralyzing if you ask me. Maybe that isn't true for everyone, but by the last day of the show I was so sick of being there I jsut sat on a desk backstage and tried to pretend like I wasn't there. I want to just sit and watch and laugh at people but I couldn't do that. Except that I didn't really want to laugh I wanted to cry. I can't always tell when I want to laugh and when I want to cry and when I start laughing and then want to cry or when I start crying and then want to laugh.
I spent an hour in the grass the other day.
I found a ball that my dog used to play with in my backyard next to an empty condom wrapper.
I like to look through Steve's room.
I hate standing at school in the morning because I'm alone no matter who I'm with.
I no longer care about saying what I have to say.
I don't think anyone reads this anymore anyways. I no longer know what I need to say.
I don't care.
I can't wait for school to be over with so I can get out.
I just want out.

I'm in a bedroom fourteen stories tall
With tinted glass and foggy windows
I just keep watching all along...

Crawl across towards your window
I'm calling softly from the street
Always a lonely widow
Half awake and sleeping on my feet
I'm of age but have no children
No quarter phone booth calls to home
Just late-night television
Inside my bedroom all alone

There is no use in waiting
Offer up your steps so I can climb
Show me all your figure paintings
Etched in the middle of the night
Let me stretch upon your carpet
Let me hear the rain tap on your street
Knowing I am safe on the inside
Blankets wrapped and drifting off to sleep

yeah...

I'm not feeling good today and I'm not feeling good tomorrow and I'm not feeling good until this fucking school year is over. I'm so sick of it. I just want it all to be over so I can get away from it already.

I took my AP test today.
I didn't make officer.
I have feelings I don't understand. Or rather feelings for someone I don't understand? Or maybe I do understand them.
I hope I do.

I want to go to Ann Arbor soon please?

I want to talk to someone soon also.
I need something to occupy myself. I project or something. Any ideas?
I just need something to pass the time other than lying around and being tired.

I don't know.
I'm thinking of things to do this summer. Maybe I'll make a list. That'll occupy me for a little while.

iwannamakenewfriends

So...
all the thoughts in my head.

• If there is ever an alarm attached to my chair and some young punk talks to my like I'm a child, I will find a way to kill myself.
• I imagine that if I ever were to kill myself at any age that I would write several lengthy suicide notes and never be satisfied with any of them, because that is how I am now with everything that I try to write or say or prove or live or breath or talk or whatever or whatever or whatever.
• I can't cry anymore. Not that I have a whole lot of time to cry, or that I have a whole lot of reasons to cry. But I don't know, it is weird, you know? I mean I always cry during movies and shows and I can't. And when I feel like shit I can't. And when I feel insulted and angry I can't react properly. I can't...I don't know. My emotions are all out of whack. My acting SUCKS because of it. I feel so disgusting when we're working on Sparks in the Park. I just know how bad I'm doing and I can't get into it so I keep messing up my lines even though I know them. And I just feel weird.
• I want to make some new friends! I want to make some new friends who don't already have these ideas about me so I can start to break out of this stupid weird shell I have myself in because I'm not how I act all the time and I can't stop it because people expect it and expect it and expect it and I just want to stop having people expect all this stuff and it isn't even something I like. I don't like it. I just want to break out and crawl away and find something that feels right and go to that instead of putting up this wall that doesn't even look like a wall. It probably looks more like glue or something to other people, like all I do is put myself all over everyone because that way they don't care what I say or what I do because all they see is that and that is all they care about because that is how people are right? Yeah. Right.

Much to do...

I wonder how easily I will be able to follow the goals I've set.
I wonder how much self-discipline I have.

Wow.

I just read over some old blog posts of mine, and was that weird.
For instance, I read over that one where I told 10 things about myself for Natalie, and it amazes me how much of that is still perfectly true for me, yet in a different way almost. And now I'm thinking like how I used to think a lot when I would post a blog. In an odd, beautiful, barely coherant and rambling way. Except when I read it over now with a fresh set of eyes it all makes sense to me-perfect sense. And I like that I'm thinking like this again, because I'm not sure how much I really think anymore.
So you want to know what? I'm not sad but I think I need to cry. I just think that I need to cry. I haven't really lately, and I've been lonely and I think it would make me feel better just to let some of that out. It's funny almost to me, but I don't know. I miss people. I miss having connections with those who are actually close by. Perhaps humans are meant to live in pairs, because it seems that people pair off a lot, not just in couples but in general. And when your friends start pairing off it's hard to have someone you can really turn to and have it feel natural. I mean, it's nice to have someone who will be there for you, but it's different than having that person who is the natural fit. It feels like all of my natural fits are far away, and that they might as well be in a different universe because that's how often they'll be able to be there in the physical sense. Oh I'm not sure.
I used to have some beautiful things to say. If you are feeling bored, read over some posts I made in March of last year. It amazed me and it might amaze you. Read over your OWN posts from a year ago...it's crazy. It's weird. It's foreign and familiar.