New Years Eve

It's turning about to be pretty cruddy so far.

I was supposed to go to Rochester Hills tonight to hang out with Alison Ho, and her friends (specifically in my case Erica, Marc and Ben). I met Erica, Marc and Ben a couple days ago when Album and I went to go visit Alison. That was a really fun day actually. Album got us lost because he didn't listen to me, and we kept ending up in these terrible neighborhoods, but eventually when we called, Erica got us where we needed to go (Somerset). It was a lot of fun, though Erica had to leave early. Marc is Alison's boyfriend, and he is a bit like a happy, not racist Travis, in the best way possible. Erica was cool before she left. Ben was friggen hillarious. I wish he didn't live an hour and 5 minutes away. I would want to be his friend. He kept asking old ladies for their autograph. They denied him. Even his idol. :(
Anyways, so I was supposed to go there, but that got cancelled cause of my parents.
And, well, I WOULD have been able to have another plan, but a certain person FORGOT about me.
Yeah.
That makes me feel great.

Plus I made Jacob cry when I told him I was going out with Don.
Gurka that is, incase you were thinking otherwise. That happened yesterday.
And now Zac is all GEHH because Steph and I both cancelled plans with him.

So fuck it.
Whatever.
Happy new years.

P.S. I am happy about the Don thing, even if I'm not happy in general right now.

Maromi...

Andrea, you know that really creepy song, the Maromi Theme from Paranoia Agent?

I'm listening to it.
I don't even have to be watching the show for it to give me chills.
It makes me paranoid.
I honestly think that something crazy is going to happen right now.
Like little pink stuffed animals coming out of everywhere.
Or maybe not quite that but still.
Nothing normal can come out of this song.

Do you ever wonder what happened to our feeling?
Do you ever wonder if something happened and we just didn't realize it?
I think sometimes that something random and obscure and seemingly unrelated to us did happen and we are only going to find out about it later when it blows up.
Who knows.

Little stuffed dolls are coming from the walls,
A scared, schizophrenic toy designer bawls.
A boy with a bat comes to free you from your stress,
You're surrounded by sick perverts and you're sitting in your dress.

No, that wasn't supposed to be a good poem.
Just parts of Paranoia Agent.
Which, by the way, all of you should watch.

Here is how I reccomend watching it though.
First, you MUST watch it in Japanese. They dumb down the American version and it doesn't thrill your mind as much.
Second, you should watch it when you are cold.
Third, you should watch it by yourself.
And lastly, you should watch it in the middle of the night.
These all add up to the best watching experience of this show.
Though you might be freaked out.
But that's a good thing.
If you aren't at least weirded out by this show then you have something wrong with you.

Anyways.
Yeah.

I haven't had much to say lately.

I figured that I should post a blog though. I haven't posted in a while. Maybe if I just keep typing I will think of something to say. Sometimes some of my longest blogposts come from when I'm not really thinking about anything. So anyways...here I go.

I turn 16 in 11 days. My Uncle never called me back about the clubhouse thing for the masquerade so it looks like that is going to be a bust, which pisses me off to no end. Is it REALLY that difficult to make a call. I gave him two weeks. It's my fucking 16th birthday party and he can't spare the 10 minutes to make a phone call. I know that if it was any of my other Uncles the would have gotten back to me within a couple of days. Bleh.

OKAY!
WTF?
I'm watching SNL and Kanye is singing that women so heartless song of his.
Have you read the lyrics?
IT MAKES NO SENSE.
WHAT DOES BUYING CLOTHES OR PINNOCHIO HAVE TO DO WITH A HEARTLESS WOMAN?
I AM SO FUCKING LOST.
WHO LISTENS TO THIS SHIT?

On another note...
I am going shopping tommorow.
NOT FOR ME THOUGH.
For you guys.
Well.
For some of you.
For sure Liz and Steph and Navi.
I'm not sure who else.
I'll figure it out.
It just depends what I see and how much money I have.
I'm excited though. I really want to find something perfect for ya'll.
I think I might bake cookies again like last year to give out.
So I suppose ya'll will get presents. ;D

Anyways.
I really didn't have much to say.
Except maybe...
I wonder when I am going to no longer be single.
I keep forgetting that I'm not.
If that makes sense.

YOU TWO GET BACK IN THE CORNER.

Ah well...

Anyways.

I can't believe there are only 21 days until Christmas. That seems unreal. I haven't even thought about making a list. Is there anything that my really good friends (because no offense, but that is all I would be buying presents for) want that is really inexpensive? xD You are probably going to all end up getting gummy bears. lolz. Anyways, like I was saying. It seems ridiculous that there are only 21 days left. I haven't even been able to concentrate on that. All I can think about is school and Jacob and next years Youmacon. That's about it. My existence is a sad one. xD

*sigh*

I wish I could save her in some sort of time machine...

How far is a mile? How far will one tredge to see another soul? What is the worth of money? Why are we all obsessed with talent? How often am I going to get to talk to him? What did I dream about last night? How often to people cry out for attention? What does it feel like to float? How often do we need to breath a day? How long is this going to last? What day is today? Will I be able to sing well tommorow? What day does break start? How screwed am I for all of my classes? How cold is it outside? When will I get to go for a walk next? When will I get to see him again? What do people think about me now? Why does anyone think about anyone at all? Do we have homework in Trombly's class? Does Trombly like or dislike me? What do people really covet most? How many people at Churchill share my birthday? How old was I when you were born? How long can I sleep without waking up at all? How did things go today?

That doesn't seem right.

I think that many people don't think about the chance that there are perfectly amazing people who live in places outside of our town. I think we all like to think that all of the people we could possibly like live near us, hence why we don't like to move. So what happens when you have someone come into your life who is the prime example of awesome people who do not live in your city?

I've fallen for him.
Stupid hour long distance...

Jim Morrison is a saggitarius.

Or he is saying so. I haven't checked. I'm listening to the album An American Prayer.

I forgot about my blog for quite a while, I must admit. I've been busy, yet not really that busy. School, staying after, friends, Student Council, Youmacon (which was amazing) and everything else. I've been so tired. I can't tell you how often I come home and just sleep until dinner.

Steve is home right now. I'm going to a movie with him in about 15 minutes. Josh and Kurt are coming too. It should be a good time. I wish he was home more often a lot of times.

http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/7711/cinemasquarevol15jun4eb5.jpg
I want one of those.

While you were sleeping I tossed and I turned...

I want to go punch things. I'm so pissed off.

I'm sick of things.

ARGH!

I'm kind of lost. And by kind of I mean I am.
Where am I at this point, and when am I going to find myself again?
When am I going to look into the mirror and see me?

BEST. EVER.

21:51] eshilon: I JUST HAD THE BEST BREAK UP EVER
[21:51] guitarist946: hah
[21:51] eshilon: He broke up with me, I said good, because I wanted to break up with him too[21:51] eshilon: Then we made cookies
[21:51] guitarist946: ahahahahahaha
[21:51] eshilon: And we ate cookie dough off each others fingers
[21:51] eshilon: And then we danced
[21:51] eshilon: And then we made some more cookies.
[21:51] eshilon: And then we hugged and he left.

Evan is pretty awesome. ;D
Tonight was a lot of fun.

I wonder.

Have you ever felt like just laying there was enough? No need to move or to feel? No need to be hungry or tired or high or jazzed or happy or sad or tripped out or alive or dead or anything except being there and laying down? Like the air was enough to keep you sustained forever and the music was swooping just softly enough for it to touch you but not force itself upon you? For the things in life to exist but be somewhere else? For you to not care if you got out of bed or not because you would get up if you did and lay down if you didn't, so it just was? So you were blank but not empty but not exactly full either? Instead you were more like full of nothing in particular and it all just sort of existed and happened to be there? Just as if you could lay there in your body and your bed and your room and look at the ceiling even though you weren't really looking at anything at all? Just, everything was and everything is?

Hey there.

The game last night was interesting I suppose.
Too bad that I couldn't go sit next to Evan.

Stevenson homecoming is tonight and my face is angrily broken out. We don't really have a distinct plan, but I bet it is all going to turn out fine because that is how it always happens. I need to get ready but I'm avoiding it. I don't want to go jump in the shower or anything. Maybe I will after this.

I have no clue where my parents are, but this really isn't any new news. They are often gone and don't tell me where they are going. They are probably on a walk or golfing or something. I wish that they were home though, my mom said she was going to paint my nails. Hopefully my mom actually called to get my boutonniere.

I'm realizing a lot more lately that I am getting older. I've noticed things that I do, or feelings I get, or basically other little things like that which make me realize that I am growing up. For instance, Liz and I went out to dinner together and for the first time I felt like it would have been perfectly normal for me to have just grabbed the keys and drive us myself instead of with my mom. Not to mention it was just the two of us talking in a restaraunt at dinner time which wouldn't have happened a year or two ago. Just little things like that make me realize. Then other little things make me wonder if I'm wasting time that is passing. I really hope that I'm not. I want to do what I want to do so I enjoy life. I hope that is what I am doing.

My Hair is Curly

Yesterday was pretty great. My lower back is incredibly sore and I'm probably going to be in trouble when my parents get home for having gotten nothing done. I should probably move some things around in my room really quickly and move the car so I can be mowing the lawn when they get here. It's my Uncle's birthday. My Uncle Jeff, not that I think any of you know him except for Liz (and for Liz's reference, he's the one who smokes and isn't married and his daughter is Kelly, the one who has a picture with Steve with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Masks on when they were little). I suppose he's probably my favorite Uncle. I mean, I don't' know. I like Uncle Pat a lot also, but Uncle Jeff is pretty cool even if you don't really notice it. We're going over to my Uncle Daryl's house to celebrate. I should probably bring a book along with me seeing as that's probably what I'll be doing most of the time. I'm hoping to God that Fatima and Mark aren't going to be there.
Back to homecoming...
It was fun. I saw Michelle Liu and she looked incredibly beautiful which makes me worry that I'm going to have to go beat guys off of her. I miss that girl.
I'm kind of surprised that all of us didn't get impregnated from those...dance...lines.
Hopefully next week will be just as fun, though I'm pretty sure it'll be a little weirder since I won't know as many people who I'm dancing with. Then again, I'm pretty sure that Evan didn't know that many of the people who we were dancing with.
I'm basically dead and exhausted and my thoughts aren't really fully coming together.
I'm not quite sure what is going on.

Interwebz PHail. D:

My internet is not up until Thursday.
I'm at my Grandparents' house and I've realized that my typing skills are not as good as they normally are due to the fact that I haven't typed in so long. They are steadily getting up to speed. I mean, it's not as if I'm doing bad since I'm still typing at above average speed but you know what I mean.

ANYWAYS.

So Alexis Tesner is my favorite-ist Freshman.
She's friggen sweet.
LOVE HER. ;DD


AND...
Add the Modern Rhode Island on myspace.
http://www.myspace.com/themodernrhodeisland
We really need your help. Please send us whatever you can.

One, two, three, four...

So I was thinking about the assignment for English class where one of the options is to sit down and write whatever comes to mind. Do you realize that whatever comes to mind you are most likely censoring because you know that you are going to be writing it down? Also, you'd probably have to be typing it for it to even be nearly fast enough. Still though, I suppose I'll try it just for now. I will censor just a tad though.

Right now I'm thinking stress. Argh. I'm so sick of it, I wish it'd just go away, not stress, but my stress, I wish, seriously, but I don't, because I need and I want it and I'm so confused and I wish it'd just go away, and I wonder if any of you have any clue what I'm talking about, but I suppose that some of you probably could if you thought about it more. I don't know. I wonder if it'd figure it out. I wonder if that could even happen. Heh, House makes me smile. He's competitive by nature. Yeah. Heh. I love it, Travis is right. I mean seriously, or maybe he's not quite right. Maybe people don't regret it but they just miss it and hate it and don't want it but do want it to the point that it just sort of tears you up inside until it makes you want to go AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! Except that I'm not sure how much I miss it. I'm not sure anymore. I'm just pissed at hte moment, I'm just angry at everything and I wish that everything would stop it. I like this song, wait a second, no I don't. What am I talking about? I don't like this song normally, I just like it now because of what I'm writing at the moment. Carl is here. Hmm. Carl is here and Andrea is hear except she's on my feet and I'm on the couch and he's on the chair and I wonder why. I wonder sometimes about things and I wonder what the fuck what are those lights in the commercial. Why is her washer on the top floor? I thought washers were always on the lower floor, and how on EARTH did she pick it up to throw it out a window. God this other...what the fuck? I missed that last time I watched this commercial. Huh. Well that was a giant distraction. Heh, well. Yeah. Eurm. My heels are falling asleep. My mom says that that lip stick really doesn't come off so she went around proving it once. This movie looks stupid also. I have a lot of things going on in my head right now and a lot of them I think I shouldn't put down and my parents are gone this weekend isn't that exciting? Except not really. I think I kind of just want to spend a lot of the weekend to myself but I luff Andrea who is staring at me right now and I am staring at her and I am typing at the same time about her which is odd if you think about it. STOP GLARING AT ME ANDREA! STOP IT! bAD ANDREA. I am not teh sillehs. You are teh sillehs. Now you are looking at the screen and everyone is going to know about it. Stop your laughing whore! She says she will laugh at my horn....? I think she said, oh whore. That makes a lot more sense I suppose. She smells like corn chips. Apparantly it isn't her who smells like corn chips. Maybe it's Carl. Does Carl smell like corn chips. Eurgh. I don't even want to know what the corn chip smells like. heh. Wow. Gay insinuations. Isn't that an interesting thing. Apparantly gay people are slow at the gay jokes that they make. That's kind of interesting. Hmm. Whoa. I can't even imagine not being able to have any ideas, that would be really weird. Just having to make up what happened with implanted memories by what happened and you getting all of your ideas off of that. How does that even work, you just see something and go, "Oh, that is totally what happened." That's weird. I can't imagine seeing something and just saying that that is what happened and not being able to comprehend it. I mean, I suppose this probably makes no sense to any of you and I bet that most of you aren't even reading this by now and I wonder if you are what you are thinking about me but then again should I even care? I mean I'm thinking a lot of you are going to assume things about what I say that are going to be wrong and I'll be interesting to see your comments I suppose but at the same time maybe not because it'll be awkward when people get ideas about me from the comments that you make if any are even made at all. What was lying on the grass? I'm confused. Oh, it's a tazer. Well, that isn't what was lying on the grass but still. Uh-oh, he did something bad, and he isn't even telling him. That probably isn't a good idea. I wish he'd stop that. Hmm. Well. Bleh. I am just going to go I suppose because I don't feel much more like sharing anything that goes on in my head because my head is a crazy thing and I can't quite explain it to anyone without letting some things slip that I don't want slipping.

In a telescope lens

And when all you want is friends
I'll see you soon

One last night, one last time, the summer so surreal is coming to an end. Sometimes I think you forget that a vacation has to end, it's not your real life. So here we go, thrown back into the mix; back to the lions den. I don't understand drama anymore, I'm not who I was.

I love these past months.


An esoteric question: Who is it going to be, and when are they going to die?

This guy at my mom's work used the word "clusterfuck" ;D

1- Acting 1, Bergsman, G36
2- APUSH, Eddy, A14
3- Algebra 2, Anselm, C1
4- Acc.Language Arts 10, Trombly, A27
L- B lunch
5- Biology, Richardson, B27
6- Stagecraft, Bergsman, G36
7- Health, Shurin, F18
Locker #1972

Summer is coming down to a close and my summer homework isn't done. My one month with Evan is tommorow. I have two homecoming dresses. I haven't wrote in my "Desire" journal yet, but I hope I will get to start soon. This school year should be interesting.

Question: What are 5 things you want in this school year? I'll figure out mine and get back to you.

Blargh.

My Dad said I need to tighten my stomach.
Have I really let myself go that much?

I am a Pterodactyl and a Pot and Pan

I feel like Andrea had to do the dishes, and I was in the sink.
I just had my arm scraped with something that felt like steel wool. It wasn't quite steel wool, but it is intended for cleaning a pan not getting a stick on tattoo off of an arm.
I made a noise that I was completely unaware that I could make. I sounded like a Pterodactyl or something similar.

My internet is done. It's unusual. I'm normally online all the time but now I can only be online when I check stuff at Andrea's house. Hopefully my internet comes back up soon. I feel like I fell off the face of the earth people-wise.

Homecoming is in September. I'm excited. I really want to go dress shopping.

Steve left for college, he has an apartment now. His room looks funny without his desk. His bookshelf looks almost exactly the same. He won't have to come back home during breaks now. Really, he won't have to come back at all, but I don't think he wants to be cut off by my parents so I suppose he will. I doubt he'll be hanging out with me when he comes back though. I suppose that's just the way things go.

School starts soon enough. I am horrendously behind on my summer homework. Either I get on that NOW or I'm completely and utterly screwed. I need my internet to be back up for APUSH. Why won't my mom get it fixed?

On the other hand, me and all these dinosaurs are rollin bones tonight.

Paradise comes at a price that I am not prepared to pay.

When did everything happen?

You are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.

Thank you for being my best friend.
I love you forever.
Despite myself.

Irony

After just having said how great life is I still haven't changed my mind. Except I'm crying. I love life right now except that I'm just...I don't know. I'm scared and lonely and I'm listening to Vienna by Billy Joel on repeat. It feels like that song is my life right now. Things are so good. I think I'm just scared and confused and I'm not used to my surroundings. I'm not used to happiness. I don't know if that's what it is.

Edit;;

Do you ever think you're missing the finer points in life?
I think I'm missing the simple things sometimes. You see pictures of people having fun doing something simple like walking barefoot through grass, and kicking up water in a creek, and all those things that make for great photographs. Like movies based around teenage boys decades ago, where they just had fun any enjoyed life, even when bad things happened, they still had their priorities in the order that they should be when you're that age. Sometimes I think that we're all growing up too fast and trying to do too many things. I think maybe I'm missing out on things I am never going to be able to get back.How can I let all the little moments pass me by?

Do you ever feel like your missing out on that bond?
You always see in movies or books a group of kids who are bound together in an unbreakable bond. Sure, they often get broken apart for a while, but then they always find a way to make it back. I don't know if I have that unbreakable bond. I'm worried that I'm missing it. I'm worried that I maybe do have one but it's not the one I need. I don't have those people that I can always run back to.I think maybe, maybe if I'm lucky I have one person I can always run to. At the same time though, I'm not totally sure that she's always going to be there. In the books they always know. They have a real connection.

Do you ever just want to shake someone?
Yes. I want to shake people often. Especially lately when people are just sad and complaining. I want to shake them and scream at the top of my lungs, "YOU'RE MISSING OUT! YOU'RE SPENDING ALL OF YOUR TIME BEING MISERABLE AND MISSING OUT ON GOING OUT AND BEING HAPPY!" I just want people to stop wallowing and start enjoying. I don't know how much it takes to really be happy. I think we're afraid of it almost. I don't want people to realize later when it's too late that they spent all of their good times being miserable.

Have you ever sat down and listened to Vienna by Billy Joel on repeat?
I am now. I am listening and listening and realizing how much it is my life. I am realizing that even if maybe it isn't my life, it is how I feel. Just, something about it explains how I feel. It's the best way to describe to everyone what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling right now. I need people to understand. I think every teen should sit down in the right mood and listen to it. I think people need to listen to it and think about their life. I feel that it's needed, it's needed for everyone to grow. And we need it. We need to grow. As people, not out of childhood. I don't think we should do that just yet. I know we all already missed out on a lot of it. These are our last years.

Andrea- Thank god you exist in this world. Sometimes I think you are the only person I still have to go to who I don't feel like I have to hide from.
Or at least, the only person left who I don't have to hide things from. You really are my best friend. I care about you so much, and I swear to god you are the only person who I think really understands why I do what I do and what I mean when I say things. I don't know what I'd do without you. Honestly. I'm crying writing this, I just really need you to be there for me, and I really hope that you will continue to be. You're a great friend, you really are. I hope that you always know that I love you.

People who dislike me- I'm a basket case with good intentions. I'm sorry. I rather be your friend.

Steph- I love you. We're a lot different, especially as we've grown, but that hasn't changed, and I hope it never will.

Evan- I love talking to you. I must admit. Our conversations so far have just made me smile when I hang up, leave, or sign off. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to properly thank you for that.

What do you want?
Andrea, you ask this. I think what I want right now, right this moment is more memories like walking through the creek with my pants rolled up, Ryan's garage (the movie and sleeping over too), Music from the Garage, and others like that. The ones I can look back at and smile. Real memories that aren't muddled with pointless drama and things that won't matter and will ruin a fond memory. I want more of those.

I think that's all for now.

What Do I Want?

You know, that's such a good question. Originally I answered saying that I want to be more than content. Then I changed it to I want to be more than content and feel connected to someone. Then I changed it to I want to be more than content, connected to someone, and connected to myself. Now I'm not sure exactly what I want. I think that the main thing that I want is to be connected to myself. I want my actions, words, and thoughts to all match up. The main thing I want it to know what it going on within myself and understand what I do and why I'm doing it, what I say and why I'm saying it, and what I think and how it should effect the other two. I want to be one person instead of many. I feel less detatched from myself and other people.
Just because I don't show detattatchment doesn't mean that the feeling isn't there.
So there is one interesting conversation I've had this week out of the way.
Are you up for another?

Many people say they want to make an impact or change the world, or change something. My question to all of you is, what exactly is it that you want to change. What type of affect do you want to have? Personally, for the moment, I want to be able to change how people think. I want to be able to use my words to inspire people to start thinking about things that are important. I want people to read my words and get their own words flowing, get their minds flowing, to realize things within themselves and around them. I want to change people, not forcefully, but still change them for life. I think that you change everyone you meet, I want to change people for the better. I want to get them thinking about things. In my opinion, starting to think about things that one normally wouldn't think about is a change for the better. There isn't ever any growth if there isn't any change. I want to help people grow. What kind of impact do you want to make? You may answer wherever you like.

Andrea talked about people being generally happy lately. I spoke with her about it rather late at night (or I think it was late at night, I get confused about what time our conversations take place sometimes), and I see what she means. Besides the people who will always be sad, and will never allow themselves to find the light, it seems like everyone is generally on the upside of things. Maybe I'm simply forgetting people, but I quite agree with Andrea. Life seems generally good right now. People have changed, but it appears that after a little bit of thinking and a little bit of just letting things go, people are basically happy. It's really a great thing to see; so many of us are normally so down. I had to admit that I'm probably the happiest this summer then I have been in years. I'm just generally happy, and when I'm not happy I'm at least content. I haven't really been downright sad or upset in a while. I really can't remember the last time I cried which for me is quite unusual. I'm really enjoying this lightheartedness. Things are going generally well for me, yes, but also I'm simply taking things better. I'm way more mellow than I used to be. I think basically I've stopped freaking out about things so much as realized what they really are, and it turns out that many of the things that before would have sent me to tears aren't really all that big of a deal.
I quite like it.
I really hope that this doesn't turn out like the Roaring 20's and turn into a Great Depression.
If nothing else we can listen to Jazz for a while.

I love life. ;D

I've seen the Dark Knight twice. Don't ask me to see it again. I don't have enough money. xD

I love that Andrea and I are practically living together now.
Three cheers for gaining a sister, 'eh?

On a side note, I almost ran down stairs and threw myself on stage when Jason Castro came on (American Idol concert...xD I'm a nerd). He's. So. Great. It's like, throw a pot head who can sing on stage for your entertainment and THEN make him really good looking. Ridiculousness.

On another side note, I wonder what is actually important to me now. If I made a list of things that actually matter to me I wonder if I'd be happy with it or not. I can think of a few things that'd go on there, and it seems foreign. At the same time, this is the first time in a long time that I'm decently happy all the time. So, I suppose foreign doesn't neccisarily been bad, even if I wouldn't have thought of it as great previously. If none of this makes sense I'll simplify it. Things have changed for me. I think before I would have thought of my life as it is now as something I wouldn't want to be in. Now that I'm living it, I love it. Then again, before if you had simply said "single life" I would have thought it was bad. I guess just because things aren't as you planned it doesn't mean it's not great. I suppose throwing in a little...change of plans is great.
Speaking of which, I love the Joker's speech. ;D

edit- I realized that what I did was get rid of the surplus and became much happier. Basically, I lost a lot of friends but the ones who ended up mattering most stayed. Before I was miserable all the time but had a shitload of friends. Now I'm happy and have quite a few less. I got rid of the excess and became much happier.
Who would have thunk.

Track 55

Now that I discovered what Track 10 is I think I miss not knowing what it was. It was better as a mystery. I don't think I'll ever retitle it. It just meant more when all it was was Track 10, with no title holding it down.
It was my own that way.
You can't talk about something without a name.
You can't share something with no title.

This is how the lyric sound. If they aren't quite right I apologize. Everything is a link.

Everybody here is waiting for the next creation,
They say come come come,
Everybody here is waiting for the next creation,
They say come come come,
Everybody here is a crowd, we each walk around with a million faces,
You came up from the ground, from a million little pieces,
Have you found where your place is?
Have you found where your place is?
Have you found where your place is?

Well there was a time when you let me know,
What was really going on below,
But now you never show that to me do ya?
But remember when I moved in you,
And the holy dove was moving too,
And every breath we drew is hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah.

Change, everything you are and everything you were,
Your number has been called,
Fight, battles have begun,
Revenge will surely come,
Your hard times are ahead.
Best, you've got to be the best,
You got to change the world, and use this change to be heard.
You're time is now (your time is now).
Change.
Everything you are.
And everything you were.
Your number has been called.
Fight.
Battles have begun.
Revenge will surely come.
Your hard times are ahead.
Best, you've got to be the best.
You've got to change the world.
And use, this chance to be heard.
Your time is now (your time is now).
*epic music in the strongest sense of the word*
Don't let yourself down, don't let yourself go.
Your last change has arrived.
Best.
You've got to be the best.
You've got to change the world.
And use this chance to be heard.
Your time is now (your time is now).

If this is the life, why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray, grow up and blow away.
If this is the life, why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray, grow up and blow away.
Nobody knows which street to take,
You took the easy way, what was the easy way?
First double crosser heart he wants to start a family, she always thought she would not.

Way out in Seattle young Kurt Cobain snuck out to the greenhouse put a bullet in his brain,
Snakes in the grass beneath our feet, rain in the clouds above,
Some moments last forever, and some flare out in love love love.

I wake, alone, in a woman's room I hardly know,

I wake, alone, and pretend that I am finally home.

The room is litered with the books and notebooks

I imagine what they say like shoo fly don't bother me.

And I could hardly get myself out of the bed, for fear of

Never lying in this bed again.

Oh Christ I'm not that desperate,

Oh no.

Oh God.

I am.

How did I end up here to begin with, I don't know.

Why do I start what I can't finish.

Oh please don't barrage me with the questions to all those ugly answers,

My ego's like my stomach, it keeps shitting what I feed it.

But maybe I don't want to finish anything, anymore.

Maybe I can stay in bed until she comes home and whispers,

You're in my web now,

I've come to wrap you up tight 'til it's time to bite down.

I wake alone in a woman's room I hardly know,

I wake alone and pretend that I am finally home.

Home.

Home.

Home.

Home.

Home.

Home.

You're in my web now.

ANDREA AND I NEED YOUR HELP!

So, we were thinking about the seven deadly sins.
And then we were thinking about people.
And we want you (not to join the US army) to tell us who you think most embodies/exemplifies each seven deadly sin.
Plus the eighth one which we just added, as it is in all honesty deadly.
That being idiocy.
So just respond to this with who you think is each sin.
Which in case you need a reminder is....

WRATH- Basically anger. I think you can figure out the meaning by yourself.
SLOTH- Lazy, never wants to do anything, hasn't seen the light of day...
LUST- Someone who is lusted after and lusts after others preferably.
GREED- This isn't just for money. Someone who is always wanting.
ENVY- Someone who always wants what OTHERS have.
PRIDE/VANITY- Someone who thinks highly of themselves. Very pompous.
GLUTTONY- Someone who indulges all of the time, not just with food but with things in their life in general.
Plus our extra sin.
IDIOCY- Someone who most likely endangers themselves by being so incredibly stupid.

By the way, we aren't going to go around yelling OMG OMG OMG GUESS WHAT THIS PERSON SAID ABOUT THIS PERSON.
We just really want to know what you think, as we have a list of our own. ;D

You can e-mail the results or message us at myspace.
My e-mail is epsilina@yahoo.com

The Irony of it All

I hate how whenever something good happens it has to be balanced by something bad. You can have one really great day, but at the end of the day it all has to come crashing down in a frustrating mess. I guess it doesn't have to happen that way, but it seems like that's how it ends up happening doesn't it?
I know what I want in some ways, and I don't know what I want in other ways. The funny thing is I know what I want to do this up coming week, but I know it's not going to happen. It would be so great, the best week ever, I swear. I wish there was a way. I wish I could be open. I wish I didn't have a web of confusion. Bleh.
I wonder how long I can lay in bed before someone calls and wants to do something or talk. As of late, I don't think very long. It's kind of funny in my mind, because a few weeks ago I could have spent days in bed without interruption except from my parents. I love how I have the opposite of what I want in the time that it happens. There are a select few people I want to be with, or, well, a select few people and then a group of people.
What on earth do I want and what on earth is going to happen in this next couple weeks and who the hell am I going to be when I enter school again and who the hell is going to be with me?
My plans keep getting interrupted by life.

61 Songs

For Lizzi and everyone else who enjoys music in general. I know I forgot a lot of songs that I love in the effort to narrow it down to 61. I have so much more music I’d love to share, but here are 61 of my favorite songs in no particular order.

1. Grow Up and Blow Away, Metric – 4:26

2. Hospital Beds, Cold War Kids – 4:48

3. From My Own True Love (Lost at Sea), The Decemberists – 3:44

4. The Mariner’s Revenge Song, The Decemberists – 8:48

5. Virgin With a Memory, Destroyer – 2:40

6. The Crossover, Destroyer – 5:04

7. Satin in a Coffin, Modest Mouse – 2:37

8. Love Love Love, The Mountain Goats – 2:49

9. Apocalypse Please, Muse – 4:13

10. Megalomania, Muse – 4:41

11. Micro Cuts, Muse – 3:43

12. Dilaudid, The Mountain Goats – 2:10

13. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot, Brand New – 4:48

14. Butterflies and Hurricanes, Muse – 5:06

15. Everybody Here is a Cloud, Cloud Cult – 3:16

16. Expectations, Belle & Sebastian – 3:43

17. Green Eyes, Coldplay – 3:41

18. Mad World, Gary Jules – 3:10

19. Newborn, Muse – 6:05

20. Nothing Can Be Explained (vocal version), Mike Wysgowski – 3:27

21. Piazza New York Catcher, Belle & Sebastian – 3:02

22. Rush of Blood to the Head, Coldplay -5:05

23. Sea of Love, Cat Power – 2:18

24. Sing for Absolution, Muse – 4:59

25. Staying Alive, Cursive – 10:06

26. Tautou, Brand New – 1:53

27. Temple of Light, Russell Shaw – 2:39

28. Time is Running Out, Muse – 4:00

29. Together, The Raconteurs – 4:00

30. Waltz #2, Elliot Smith – 4:36

31. Paper Planes, MIA – 3:24

32. Saint John, Cold War Kids – 3:50

33. Robbers, Cold War Kids – 3:34

34. Passing the Hat, Cold War Kids -3:27

35. The Recluse, Cursive – 3:05

36. Into Dust, Ashtar Command – 9:04

37. Razorblades and Handgrenades, Josiah Leming – 3:52

38. Challengers, The New Pornographers – 3:30

39. Black Swan, Thom Yorke – 4:49

40. Chicago, Sufjan Stevens – 6:05

41. The Commander Thinks Aloud, The Long Winters – 4:19

42. Child Psychology, Black Box Recorder – 4:07

43. Car Song, Elastica – 2:24

44. It’s Alright Baby, Komeda – 2:51

45. Myriad Harbour, The New Pornographers – 3:56

46. Hunter, 30 Seconds to Mars – 3:55

47. Stay Put!, The Blood Arm – 3:17

48. Sowing Season (Yeah), Brand New – 4:33

49. Clint Eastwood, Gorillaz – 5:55

50. Summer Skin, Death Cab for Cutie – 3:14

51. Bang On, The Breeders – 2:03

52. Something Vague, Bright Eyes – 3:34

53. Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley – 6:54

54. Peace Frog, The Doors – 2:59

55. The End, The Doors – 11:47

56. Half Jack, The Dresden Dolls – 5:25

57. For the Actor, Mates of State – 4:53

58. A Martyr for My Love for You, The White Stripes – 4:22

59. Minds Eye, Wolfmother – 4:57

60. Reverse of Shade, The Windupdeads – 3:45

61. Me and the Moon, Something Corporate – 4:08

I really hope that you take the time to listen to some of them.

Faulkner...

Does Anse think that God is a communist..?

It's time.

I've made a new plan, goal, or whatever it is you would like to call it for summer. In short, remember what life should really be about. I plan to have fun this summer, have a little me time, do things I normally wouldn't have time to do, work on the story that I've always wanted to, go outside and take walks, read those books I keep telling myself to, basically, do what I want to do instead of whatever I get myself roped into. I'm happy to be single, because it means I can just have fun without having my heartstrings tugged at all the time. I can think about myself instead of always having to think about more than one person. I have a lot less to worry about, which I think is good. I need some time free from worry. I'm really quite excited.
I know that I have probably said things like this every year, but I really mean it this time. I want to feel refreshed. I want to enjoy things instead of wallow in everything. I need to crawl out of all this muck I have poured on myself. I have no reason to be sad, so why am I wasting my time on it all the time? I have a lot of opportunity right now, and I am going to take advantage of it.
It's time to change our lives.
It's time to make them what we want them to be.
Who's with me?

Well. A survey might as well be a blogpost.

Would you do meth if it was legalized?
No, I wouldn't do meth. I would, however, wonder why the hell meth of all drugs was legalized. That just doesn't make sense to me.

Abortion: for or against?
Well. Eurgh. I'm one of those extreme cases people. I just don't believe that someone should be able to kill their own child. I don't care if the child doesn't know the difference because it isn't born yet, it doesn't mean that it isn't a child. I was once at the stage where my mother could have gotten an abortion (not that my mom was considering it). I'm obviously here. I'm not saying you have to keep your child and raise them, but you shouldn't kill it. Be more careful, honestly. Use birth control correctly and it's practically impossible to have a baby. If you use a condom on top of that then OMG! YOU WON'T GET PREGNANT UNLESS YOU HAVE THE WORST LUCK IN THE WORLD!

Would our country fall with a woman president?
Do I think that our country would fall? Not exactly. I don't think that it would fall, but I don't think it'd be the same country that we know today. I don't really think we should have a female president, I just don't.

Do you believe in the death penalty? Make my Day law?
For the first one, I do. I mean, a lot of people say it's inhumane and what if the conviction was wrong in the first place. Well, is a life in prison really all that much better than death itself? Do we really want to endanger society? Not to mention, with the death penalty don't you think that people about to commit a homicide will think twice out of fear of dying themselves? For the make my day law, I think it's kind of risky. The defenition of what is and what is not violent force is difficult, and proving what is and what is not violent force is probably difficult also. It's just risky, I'm not really sure.

Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
Yes! Honestly. I mean, I have several reasons for this. First of all, making it illegal isn't stopping those who want to smoke it from smoking it, obviously. People shouldn't go to jail because of it, keep the cells free for real criminals. Second of all, how many deaths have resulted from marijuana? Really, it's not dangerous to anyone else. It's not dangerous at all, except for the fact that people can lace it. But oh, wouldn't legalizing it help that too? It'd be cleaner, better, easier. It's help the economy too. Prices would probably go up, and it'd be like ciggarettes. Think about how much money they bring in. You could tax marijuana and boost the economy. Now, give me those reasons you said it shouldn't be legalized that I haven't already disproved again? Because it's stupid? ... Really, that isn't a reason to keep something illegal. We do a lot of stupid things, but they aren't illegal. Outlaw stupidity and then get back to me.

Are you for or against premarital sex?
I think that two people should be able to do what they want to. If you regret it than it was your fault for having sex too soon, but if you don't regret it, than why should you have had to wait? It really should be between the two people having sex. If it's not right for you, then fine. If it is right for you, then go for it.

Do you believe in God?
Well, not exactly. I don't believe in the Christian God, persay.

Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
Yes. Even if you don't like homosexuals, it doesn't mean that just because people can't get married they aren't going to be together, and it really doesn't mean that they are going to go, "screw it, I'm straight. I'm going to go have kids." If two people want to be married, than they should be allowed to. I'd hate to be told I'm not allowed to marry someone who I love.

Do you think its wrong that so many Hispanics are moving to the USA?
Well, I know that we need a certain amount to have our country thrive, but it's getting ridiculous, especially since they don't learn our customs. Look, I'm not going to go into your country and expect you to hire me even though I don't speak English, and I'm really not expecting the entire country to learn it. If you are going to come to this country, do so legally and learn fucking English. Honestly.

12 year old girl has a baby..should she keep it?
I don't think she should get an abortion. If her mom will keep it as her own, than that is fine. She could put it up for adoption or figure something else. I don't think a 12 year old of this day and age could take care of a baby, but that still doesn't mean that she shouldn't have to go through with it. Now if she was raped, then that isn't her fault, she shouldn't have to go through the pain and have her life ruined more than it already was. Then she can get rid of it.

Should the alcohol age be lowered to 18?
It really might as well be. People who want alcohol are going to get it when they want it. Besides, if you are called an adult when you are 18, why shouldn't you be able to drink legally? Also, you're probably heading off to college. What do you REALLY think happens there? Honestly people.

Should the war in Iraq be called off?
I don't make decisions about things that I'm not well informed enough about. This is one of those things.

Assisted suicide is illegal..do you agree?
No. Think about people on their death beds in severe pain, or people who are going to be in severe pain. Should they really have to live through that when they have death coming after all that pain? If it isn't worth it to them, then they shouldn't have to go through it. Besides, do they really want all their loved ones remembering them in that state and having to take care of them and remove themselves from their own lives? I think a lot of people you ask wouldn't. Besides, healthy people who aren't in severe physical pain with life threatening illnesses can kill themselves, why shouldn't an unhealthy person in a horrible state be able to die peacefully?

Do you believe in spanking your children?
Yes! I hate this new brand of pansy parents. I was spanked as a child and it WAS NO CHILD ABUSE. Really! It just teaches your child a lesson that they are far less likely to forget. It teaches them what is right and wrong. People who don't spank their children just raise a bunch of uncontrollable brats that other parents and people would happily give a good whack.

Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
Yes, I would. It's not that I don't love this country, but the flag has no special meaning for me. I would burn it for a million dollars.

A mother is declared innocent after murdering her 5 children ina temporary insanity case..what do you think?
I really need all the details and results of the case to say anything about it, though I think I'd be horrified at the person either way.

It's between you and a person who is being kept alive by life supportmachines..one has to die? Who?
First of all, why would one of us have to die? That's a little strange. However, if I wasn't on life support machines and could live on my own, than myself, of course. If I was though, and the other person was more likely to live longer, than them. Whoever is more likely to live.

Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
No, I hope that people do. I rather have someone judge me by my opinions than by something else that is really meaningless. However, instead of judging me, I wish that people would accept it. I wouldn't mind responses with peoples own opinions. I don't mind debate.

I think I want to be Ms. Kaiser

I suppose I should explain this. I want to be like Ms. Kaiser in the way that she's bohemian and listens to indie music that a lot of people haven't heard of and seems so cool and I bet you that she knows of little cafes that she goes to.
I want to be that person.
I want to be the person who sits in the tiny cafes and writes, surviving only on coffee, tea and bagels. I want to know about music that no one has heard of and have a bohemian style. I want to know about the small places that most people over look. I want to be intelligent as opposed to ignorant in more than just the book smart type of way.
That's what I consider awesome.
I want to be my awesome.

This is really all I want to say.

Natalie, I don't know if you are reading this, and you may think that I'm a bit of a creep, but I felt like starting off with this: Ever since I wrote the 10 things about myself for you I've felt more connected to you. I can't quite explain it, but I really wish I knew you better, or hung out with you. I guess really I just sort of wish we were friends, since we are way more of aqquantances than anything. That's how I feel at least.

On a completely different note...
I hate friend problems.

My Ten Things.

1.) I never quite say what I mean, and I rarely ask for things directly. I tend to say something that I don't mean and expect you to figure out the hidden meaning. I don't like to ask for things a lot of the time, and I hate asking for help, even if it's just asking where I am supposed to sit. I don't like feeling dumb or inferior, and I don't like feeling selfish or mean, or any other bad adjective for saying what I mean.

2.) I force myself to grow resentment. I'm always doing things that I know will cause me to resent those who are close to me. It's my way of keeping people at arms length. I may have you seem, and even be, very close, but I'm always pushing you slightly away.

3.) I abosolutely want to punch people who purposely mispronounce my name. I get it, it looks nothing like how it's pronounced. Adding 50 -er's to the end just makes me want to hit you in the face.

4.) I use my sexuality to be close to people. No, I don't sleep around, but I like to be sexualish with people. Hence why I hug people so much, and why I'll look guys who aren't my boyfriend in the eye when I'm 5 inches from their face. It's not that I "like" them, it's that sexuality is the natural way of feeling close to someone.

5.) I like leaving an impression. As you may or may not have noticed from a lot of my blog posts, I like to leave an impression. I really like to get people thinking. Philosophy should be spread, in my opinion, so my main goal a lot of the time is simply to get you thinking. This normally happens late at night. Rainstorms and certain types of music help.

6.) I have a voice inside my head. I'm not going to go ahead and say I'm schizophrenic, because I realize what's going on. However, ever since I was little, there has been another person inside my head. I named her Sarah. She's a total bitch and is always against what I want, and is highly protective of me. We make bets. If I win, she has to go away for a while. If she wins, I have to hold my breath for a while, which let's her breath, and gain strength. It sounds crazy because it is.

7.) I've never felt quite like I fit. I don't know how many people really have this problem to this extreme, but my entire life, even when I was 5, I remember ALWAYS feeling left out. I have never quite fit. I can be the center of attention but still want to be off alone in my room because I know in my heart that I don't belong there. I can name maybe one point in my life where I felt like I fit, but I don't feel like sharing it.

8.) I get hung up on things. I don't have a weak memory, even if I pretend to forget a lot of things. I often times remember better than you do, though I'll act like I've forgotten completely. However, this is not my point. I get hung up on everything. The little things, the big things, and the inbetween. I remember when I was 12 and was walking around a sand dune with this kid I dated for a while Sam, and I accidentally said Math instead of Science and I am still kicking myself about it. You can't tell me not to worry about something or not think about it. I may outwardly forgive and forget, but I always have it on the back of my mind. It adds to my anxiety.

9.) I like indie music and indie things. I love random indie music. I like random indie clothes. I think Stephanie Cyburt dresses amazingly because it's all so unique. I love the music that's on the OC because it's all indie music or indie bands doing covers. If you are in my family room you'll see tons of sticky notes with lyrics written down so I can find the songs later, such as from commercials and television shows. I don't know as many indie things as I would like to, but when I find something I treat it like treasure. If you have any reccomendations for books, music, or anything, you really should tell me. I'd appreciate it more than you would know. Even if you just find an article you think might interest me. Even if it has nothing to do with indie and just something about the world. I like to spread my knowledge, and I like to know things other people don't. I like to listen to things not everyone does. I like to find something that really fits into who I am.

10.) I'll like you more if you'll have an indepth conversation with me. I like having friendly chats with people, yes, but what really gets to me is getting into really indepth discussions. Philosophy, speaking in riddles, talking about what really matters. What we think about life, the future, death, religion, music, nature, the past, the now, the way things work, you name it. I feel far more connected having one deep discussion with someone than having a lot of regular talks with people.

There's what I have.

CLTCMF!

I wanted to talk about a few points which I've thought about as of late, or that something brought to my attention. These would be crying, love, trust, confusion, music, and family. You can assume as you will how these were brought to my attention, but please don't jump to the obvious conclusion; it's not right.

First off; crying. I just stopped watching the music video to "When You Were Young," by the Killers, which wasn't what brought crying to my attention, but it's what compelled me to post. Crying is an incredibly difficult thing to do. It's easy to start, hard to finish, and painful to take part of. I don't understand people who don't cry. How can you not cry? How does that work as a person? How does that work while having human emotions and feelings. It isn't something that makes you weak. It's something that shows that you are living. You can't live a life free from pain. I don't believe that's possible, and that isn't being cynical, that is being honest. There is no life without pain, there is emptiness. There for, there is no life without crying. I think that's why crying is so painful; life needs the pain. Maybe that's why people cry so much.

Love. Such a simple word, but I don't need to tell you how confusing, busy, talked about, meaningul, meaningless, over used, under used, forgotten, and remembered this word is. It's everything wrapped up into one that is so easy to give out, so easy to recieve, and yet so hard to prove. How can you really prove your love to someone? Why is it that it is so difficult to think about someone not believing that you love them? Why is it so hard to believe that someone loves you? What circumstances does there have to be to allow love to happen? Do you really have to be able to love yourself before you can love someone else? There are so many different forms of love though. How can you really figure out what someone means when they say they love you. To what extent? Do they want to be yours forever, or do they just want to be your friend forever? Which is it? I wish that I knew. I wish I knew the answers of how everone truly felt. I wish I knew how I truly felt about half the people I know, and I wish I could prove to the few people I know for a fact that I love that I love them. I wish.

I don't think that you have to be totally honest to be trustworthy. However, that doesn't stop me from wishing I knew the truth behind peoples words. I hate that you can't trust the things coming out of peoples mouths. I hate that you can't know what parts of what people say you can trust, and what parts you can only trust to be false. That is why I wish I could read peoples minds. You don't have to trust someone if you know what they are thinking. Especially if they don't know that you know what they are thinking. So, I wish I knew just what was going on in the heads of the people I trust, especially when I know they're lying, which, by the way, doesn't make me trust them less. Trust isn't all about knowing the honesty in every situation, it's knowing that people will have your back and give you the truth when the situation really calls for it.

Confusion really goes with the whole trust thing, and the whole someone you trust lying thing. When you get a suspiscion someone you trust is lying, the only result is confusion. What is it that is really going on. Confusion happens to everyone, so I'm sure that everyone knows what I'm talking about. It just sparks your curiosity, confusion, doesn't it? If you are confused because you don't know what is true, then all you have left is plain curiosity of what is true. So, really, confusion just makes you want to know more. And well all know about curiosity.

Music is something that I think I can cover pretty quickly. Music is taking over everyones lives, as it always had. It affects us all so much. We express ourselves through it, feel is, let it run through our veins. Yes, run, not flow. We feel it pounding in our ears whether we listen to it loudly or quietly. It's just this magnificent thing that no one would easily give up. The best thing to alter a mood, and most affective.

I believe that family was the last thing on my list. Spending the day with a family other than your own makes you realize the importance of family. I've been thinking of my family in the past, my family in the present, and the family that I will have of my own in the future. It's interesting to think about. You don't really realize how it will be like to have a family of your own when you are my age. Fifteen is not the time to think about starting a family of your own. It is, however, interesting to think about what that family will eventually be like. Also, how important family really is. How you need that closeness to keep you going at times. How they are always there even when you forget about them. How even when you don't like them, you still can feel close to them at times. It's just an interesting and peculiar thing, family is.

That, basically, is what is on my mind right now. I believe it is now time to research Neptune. So I shall have at it.

You Put the Art in Retarted

The Bravery makes me smile so much. It's pretty cool that they are becoming popular now, because I can hear them on XM radio. I need their newer CD, speaking of which.

Anyways, today was totally great. It didn't start off well, I went to the dentist, actually fell asleep while they drilled my mouth, fell asleep in the waiting room as Dad got his crown done. You know, typical. ; D Then I got Mom her present for tommorow, which I have to wrap soon. Went out to breakfast with Mom and Dad, found out Jake wasn't "in the mood to hang out" which, obviously, dissapointed me. Except, then, guess what? YOU GUESSED WRONG! Cinder Block, John Stevenson and I went to the movies and it was super amazing. They make me smile really, really huge. I guess I'll just see Jake whenever. It'll be cool...on that day that will eventually come.

By the way, Julius Caesar is going to be epic. The trailer is on youtube in navi's channel (xXnavoXx). Watch it. Seriously man.

It makes me want to shoot myself in the head a little

Sometimes I hate seeing the other side of people. Everyone has more than one side; they act different around different people. It's not as if it's some shocking revalation. It doesn't stop me from hating it though. I hate when someone who you think is a little different from the people they hang out with turns into an ass just like the rest of them when they get bored. It really pisses me off.

Sometimes I just lose a little faith in humanity.

My Day is Coming

Sometimes I wonder why we bother with all this shit. Every once in a while I stop and think, "Why am I watching TV? Why is the computer so important to me, and how come everytime I pull up the internet I type in meebo.com or myspace.com. Why do I even go on the internet at all?" What is the point of doing these things? There has to be a point, right? Everything has a point, aren't I correct? I mean, supposedly every person has a point, which would make one think that everything has a point too. So what is the point of watching hours of mindless television, or even supposedly mindful television. What is this going to do for me? Also, what is the point of getting dressed everyday? Or at least, what is the importance of looking good? There really is no importance. I mean, I suppose that to us, it is important but why is it that we find it important? The thing is, I'm not even sure I think that it shouldn't have importance. This is a phase, right? Human existance is a phase so part of this phase are these things. Television, clothing, making an impression on other souls, using the computer, getting a job; it's all important to what we call the human existance. No, it's not crucial to make us survive, but it is how we live. I just want to know the importance. Though really, I guess what I want to know, is the importance of myself. I feel, I feel like I have something inside of me, this thing, or knowledge, or power, I'm not sure but I feel like I have this importance, but I don't know what it is. It feels like everytime I get a clue it slips away, so when will be the time that all these clues finally fit together? When will be the time that all these clues will work out in my mind? Then again, sometimes I worry that I am making up all of this. I think that maybe I'm just insane and I'm making up all of this in my head in some strive to feel important, and that I'm going to die insane, still believing that my day will come. My day will come.

...

I can't say what I want to. I can't, I can't, I can't get the words out. I can't stop stuttering. My words are clear and pointless but my mind is stuttering. I'm stuttering. I can't stop, can't start, can't say, can't can't can't. I can't say what I wanna say.

I can't say what I wanna say.

I can't say, can't say, can't say. I can't hear the words. I can't stand up. I'm cold. I'm freezing. So cold. So, so, cold. Cold and stuttering. I can't stop shaking. My leg is shaking. No words. No words. No words. no words. Error, error, error. Error! Can not compute. I can't think straight. People are caught in barbed wire and I. Can't. Think. Straight. Barbed Wire. Stutter. Smother. Industrialize. Cassius. Sock Puppets. U-Boats. Hoodie. Harvard. Mind. Mind-set. Thoughts. Fuck. Poems. Regular People. death. Tanks. Agile. Speed. drugs. Stuck. Shaking. Shaking. No understanding, no understanding, no comprehension, error, error, error. My words are so lost. My words are so gone. I want my stupid flow back. I want my words back. I want my fucking words back. Poison gases, machine guns, no words. Words, no flow. Flow, no words. Flow and words, nothing to say. I can't have my words come together with my flow and my mind. My flow in my mind doesn't exist. Doesn't exist. error, can't find file. Can't find file. Can't find my feet. Can't find my hands. Can't find my mind. There's a knife at the end of a gun, but I can't find my mind.

Did you throw away my poem(s)?

I want the smother one back, if not.

Things to do things to do things things to do things to use things to use things to use.

C-H-A-N-G-E

Sometimes I like to pretend that I am writing my blogs as a column for a magazine. It often feels that way as I sit down to write; like what i am writing is truly going to be published when I clikc publish post. Now, you may be wondering why I am telling you this, and there is a reason. I always feel like I have to be writing about something groundbreaking. I feel like there has to be an important underlying thing to each post of mine, to add mystery and thought to every post. First off, I like writing like that. I like everything I say when I type these posts out to have meaning. However, this means that I have to have something groundbreaking to say before I write, doesn't it? I think, possibly, that I always seem to be able to find something to say, while usually not groundbreaking, at least a little though provoking.
So what is it that I am going to talk about today, that is thought provoking possibly to the point of groundbreaking? Change. Obviously, change in and of itself is a thought provoking subject. People think about it all the time, in one way or another. It has been brought to my attention in the past, well, to be quite honest, day. Then, quickly, after just a little thought about change, a lot of things changed for me. Most of which pertain to relationships, though I'm not really going to go too far into that.
Everyone will change overtime, but how exactly do we deal with it? How do we deal when we realized that we are no longer the same person that we used to be, and possibly, that we aren't what we want to be. Now, I'm not saying this is applying to me, and I feel that a lot of times I speak as if I am talking about myself when I'm not, so I wanted to clarify that before I continue.
What happens when we realize that we are not where we want to be, and we have to clutch on the people around us to keep us standing? And what happens when they aren't there, even if it's just for an hour? How do you continue to stand without your crutches? Do you simply fall, or do you hobble around? Really though, you can't hobble for all that long, can you? I think that this is where depression falls in for a lot of people. They are too far gone from everything they used to be and too far away from everything and/or everyone they need. Where do you go then? I don't think I want to find out, and I don't think I want anyone else to find out either.

Katie from Horton Hears a Who! is the best, after Jojo.

To tell you the truth I don't have that much to say, but I feel like my last post needs to have something after it already, and knowing me this post will end up being 20 pages long anyways. So, I really should never tell someone that I don't have much to say, because how often does that turn out to be true?

I'm oddly excited for a party at Jimmy's house. I have to admit that I really wish Jake could go though. Had he called his dad earlier, yes, he probably could have gone, and hung out with me longer, but that's okay. It's really not his fault, we dozed off. Though, still, I really wish that he would be there. Ahh well. I'm rather excited for it anyways. I'm glad that I'm going to be with a lot of my friends, I'm not totally sure who all exactly, but it should be a good time none the less, plus I haven't been to a party in a while, and I'm really crazying the atmosphere, you know? Not like, party hard, but like, party something, you know?

So, I have this idea that I really want to do, but I doubt I'd get enough support. Basically, this: You know how all the teenage magazines are all preppy? I want to make a gothier magazine for my friends, and their friends possibly. Like, get some people together, write articles, do photoshoots, but make it all a bit more Rimmel Underground and Hot Topic than Chanel and American Eagle. Just, something for us to look at and say we did, plus how cool would it be to see yourself in a magazine, even if it is just for your friends. Besides, it'd be something to do for fun, right? Not to mention you get to show off your style. I don't know though, if anyone finds this idea cool, than please, please, try to recruit people, becasue I'm serious about this, I really want to do it.

Hmm.
By the way.



If that shows. Well...I think you understand. Jojo is the coolest thing ever. So is Katie. Not me.

Thank you for cutting off my breathing.

I love being completely estatic. It is such a wonderful feeling; feeling as if nothing can bring you down. Perhaps sometimes it is a bit of a niave feeling, but a great one just the same. How glad I am to be feeling it right now.
I feel like I'm floating and spinning and completely out of control, but in a good way. I want to dance. I want to prance around rooftops and swim in Mountain Dew. I'm invinsible. Nothing can hurt me. I am lion, here me roar [grawr!]. The little things that normally poke at me are completely forgotten. I am in a state of joy, and I think know I like it.
So what, you might ask, is causing me this state of euphoria [no, not the euphio m'dear]?
It's the clogged feeling in my throat.
It's the marks on my back.
It's the wind in my hair.
It's the crack to my whip.
You'll never know.

Dance amongst the flowers with me.
Daydream. I fell asleep amid the flowers, for a couple of hours, on a beautiful day...

...

A blog is a sad replacement for a human.






Where did reality run off to now?

Chelsea Cole, I love you.

Did you ever once think you were going to end up this way when you were in fourth grade? Did you ever think, "I'm going to be the girl sitting on the computer at midnight who is trying to get her life in check before life checks her?" Did you ever think that you were going to be the strongest, tallest one moment, and then crumble for just an instant, and realize that you're only half the size you were before, and you have to work yourself up again? Did you ever think about anything that you find to be real?
What makes some people able to have long, rambling, "deep" discussions and others not? What seperates us from the rest of the world who is afriad of what lies within them, and hides from strong feelings? Why is it that some people seem more capabale of feeling the extreme than others, and that we lead our lives differently? Am I wrong about this fact? No, I'm not saying that others don't feel, but they don't feel the same, if that makes any sense. Do I ever make any sense?
Do we need the people that we surround ourselves with? Why do I want to rest my head on your chest and cry sometimes, and other times I want to rest my head on your chest and feel all the joy in the world? Why can I not keep my emotions in check, even when I'm calm? And that's the thing. I'm calm right now, I'm not feeling sad, I'm just feeling with no particular feeling at all. I'm the hypocrtical oxymoron, and anything you call me is a misnomer. I'm what I am but I don't know what that is, and who can?

No one saved us,
No ones gonna save us now...
[taking lyrics out of context]

Where do I lie in my life? Why do I write posts like these everytime I'm feeling good? Why do I drag myself back under? Why do I force myself to feel? I think I need to cry. I think I need to cry despite having no reason to cry. I think that I need to get one last, good, true, cry out before I can continue to improve, before I can get past this, this...this nothing that is holding me back.

Heh.
And how my mood changes when I start trying to describe Justin and Colin to someone.
Oh the ways of my mind.
Oh captain, my captian.

Colin Sharples is my Hero

How had I not noticed that so much time had gone by? Hadn't it only been a week ago that I had updated my blog last? Perhaps not, or should I say, obviously not.
What has happened since my last post.
I'm really not sure, but I can say that I believe that I've changed as a person. Yes, I know, it hasn't been that long, but I can tell you, its been that long for me. So who am I now, in this instant? I am not going to explain, because explaining would be useless. I am in the process of changing, and telling you the steps along the way is just going to confuse you about the end result. Expect a nice lengthy post when I know where I am.

Know where I am
Haunting.
Know where I have been
and am.
Know where my brain goes in the night
To your arms.
To whose arms?
To what arms?
Can they hold me,
or must I hold myself?
No one can,
No one
can,
No one can tell me.
Only I can know.
Stop trying.
Coherancy.

What the hell am I saying?

The questioner

To My Dearest Readers,

I have recently discovered a much less stressful way of living, though I am not sure that I can really tell you which part of my life which has changed in the past month or so has made my life less stressful. It could be meeting one truley amazing person who can almost read my mind, or it could be talking to someone who I have known for a while who has brought my back down to earth, or it could possibly just be a change in a relationship that has made things a little more surface, but quite a bit more calm. Of course my life is going to change again in the next month or so, and I do welcome this change as one of the relationships feels a tad empty how it is, as does my day.
This however, if not what I wanted to convey to you all. What I wanted to tell you about is what I realized today while talking to a good friend of mine. I will welcome pain for one happy moment. I will endure sadness for one joyful time. I rather have 100 sad experiences for every one happy one than to have no experiences at all. That is to say that, if a mere 1% of my life is happy experiences than I would not end it, that I would keep on living to experience that 1%. This shows, obviously, that I am not suicidal, or does it? It does not say that I would not be wishing to die, I do not think, but shows that part of me will grip onto life despite the rest of me wanting to fall into the pit of death. This is not saying that at this moment, I wish to find a nice cliff and push myself off, and I'm not sure what it is saying at all. Maybe what I feel isn't true, maybe with 100 to 1 sad experiences I would not be able to stand it, but with overwhelming feelings of no escape, I do not reach for the one escape that is always ready.
Or maybe that's not true.
I'm not sure what is true anymore.
As a side note, does anyone know who I can trust? I feel there are two people, and had you told me who those two people were a month ago, I would have laughed in your face.
Or would have I?

From,
The questioner.

Go back to the start...

The other day I was sitting there thinking about how much of a mess everything and everyone is. Do you ever wonder what things would be like if we could just start it over? I don't know if I mean go back to the start, because I'm not sure how that would work. I have an odd feeling that it's possible that I would have ended up going out with Justin if I had the option to go back to the start, and I don't want that, not that Justin is gross, but I want to be with Jake. But, what if we could all just start over. Just like, everyone agrees to forget the past and start fresh? Would that be nice? To just be able to clear your record and just start with raw feelings toward everything instead of having all this mess and confusion and history to mess everything up?
But what if we did actually go back and start over? I wonder what would have happened. My first impressions would have been better, or maybe just different. I could have made less of an ass of myself, but what if I had a great impression with, say, Jake at first? Things would not have likely turned out how they are now. But then again, isn't that the point, to change things? Yes, and no, I say. I want things to change, but I want the basic skeleton to be the same. I just want the tone of everything to be different. Better. Except, that isn't possible is it? You can't get everyone to agree to start over because that isn't how humans are programmed, but wouldn't that be a great thing? You wouldn't have to deal with your past all the time. You wouldn't have to look back and wish that things had been different, because you wouldn't have to look back at all.
That's what I want.
...
Or is it?

Is this the life of adolescence?

If you are reading this then do me a favor. Stop for a minute. Look away from the computer screen, not yet, but once you finish reading what to do. When I say go. So, like I said, look away from the computer for a moment, stare at a wall near you or the ceiling; it doesn't really matter. Take a moment to think. Just think about how the past two weeks have been for you. I don't mean how they have been for you on the sruface, like, I got an A on my test, or I got an E on my test, or something, but how you have been feeling. Let yourself really remember how you've felt, dont' try to force yourself into false feelings. Be honest withyourself just for a moment. Go.
Now that you are looking back, do it again, but this time think about how everyone else in your life has been, or how you think they have honestly been. Think about how I've been, think about how your best friend has been, even think about your parents. Go.
Now that that is through, what did you come up with? Is it just me, or does everyone in general seem to be doing very good or very bad? And why is it that when you stop to think a LOT of people seem to be doing very badly. I'm starting to worry. Maybe it's just the seasonal thing, but some people who I really care about aren't doing very good. In fact, I am worried that some of the people closest to me are falling into a depression almost. Or if not into a depression, then they are falling into something, and I fear that it may be a black hole or nothingness.
But what the hell can we do about it?

It causes me physical pain not to cause her physical pain. xD

So maybe I rather be waiting still.
Okay, well, not anymore. That was a statement I thought a few days ago, but still.
I really am amazed at how many people were worried about me. It's as if hurting me is one of the seven deadly sins or something. It was sort of shocking, but a little annoying too because I couldn't be left alone for a moment to comprehend things. Not that I am complaining that people cared, but I didn't have a moment to think for myself until later that night, when he finally called, and yes, everything is sorted out now, except, that I still can't believe it you know? I still can't believe that he would have done that to me, and I am wondering if he thinks about how dumb it was when he looks into my eyes now, because he says sorry now when he looks into my eyes, and so I wonder if he can still see hurt there. And I want to hurt her. I can't help it. I like what my friend said, "It causes me physical pain not to cause her physical pain." That is the best thing that anyone said to me in all of this, to be quite honest, because somehow that just made me feel so much better.
But anyways, Sweet Charity was, well, sweet. I went twice, and it was pretty dang amazing. I was there early on Saturday so I got to hang with the cast in the pit. That was pretty cool, and Colin is my dog now bitch. ; DD
Wow.
So, now that it is officially a new week, I am so relieved.
Almost Valentines Day, right?

It does, but it's the goddamn truth. --Sahana, my sharer in emptying our souls in blogs.

I hate when waiting is so excruciating that every minute feels like 10 hours, and every hour feels like a decade, or century, or not even that. Just some immeasurable amount of time that you can almost feel going by, because the friction of it is making your body boil, but that anticipation makes you shake, and you just want to implode but you have to keep. on. waiting. And you never know how it's going to end, but you know the slight feeling of emptiness you are going to feel afterwards, even if it ends up good, because despite all that relief you still remember that you had to have that awful feeling of worry, for however long it lasted.

I'm shaking too hard to write, so I'll copy and paste some lyrics.

I wake alone
and pretend that I am finally home.

The room is littered
with her books
and notebooks I imagine what they say, like,
"Shoo fly don't bother me."
I can hardly get myself out of the bed
for fear of never lying in this bed again.

Oh Christ, I'm not that desperate.
Oh no, oh God.
I am.

How'd I end up here to begin with?
I don't know.
Why do I start what I can't finish?
Oh please don't barrage me
with the questions to all those lovely answers.
My ego's like my stomach,
it keeps shitting what I feed it.

Or maybe I don't want to finish anything anymore.

-A portion of "The Recluse" by, Cursive

Survs up.

This was a survey I took.

I figured it could substitute as an entry.

1.) Are you single or taken?
-Taken.

2.) Who is your person of interest?
-Jake.

3.) How long have you known this person (if you said their name before or not).
-Since the start of September 2007, as in, since the start of the school year. Though if you ask him we didn't know each other then, because we didn't really talk. In other words, I paid a hell of a lot more attention to him than he did to me. xD

4.) When was the last time you talked to them?
-Right before I got on the bus. I just tried calling him but his phone is off. I think I may have woke him up and he turned it off then. Whoops.

5.) Can you describe your feelings towards them?
-Accurately? Probably not.

6.) Try.
-Wow. Creepy follow up question much? Okay, because I'm worried that the next question will be "no, seriously, do it or we'll kill you," I guess I'll try, though I'm not sure my words can describe it. My feelings towards him. Well, I'm not sure if you'd say these are towards him, but I feel totally and completely lost without him. I miss him every second he's not with me in this weird way. When I'm with him I just don't want to let him go in the completely cliche way. If I am electricity then he is my outlet because whenever I need a place to go he is there for me, even if it takes a little while. I just FEEL towards him, if that makes sense. That wasn't supposed to be taken sexually, but, I just feel almost every possible feeling imaginable towards him at the same time in this messed up lump of feelings that I didn't even know existed.

7.) How often do you see this person?
-Not often enough, especially now that we have no classes together.

8.) Do you know this person's friends?
-Some of them.

9.) Do they like you?
-Some of them. Some (as in one) of them REALLY like me if you catch my drift. xD

10.) How do they feel towards you?
-Well. I mean, it's not as if I can ever know for sure, and I can't describe his feelings for him, but I imagine that he feels some version of the same?

11.) How do you feel about that?
-Well. I don't know. If he feels anything in comparison to how I feel, which I think he does, then I feel good, but to admit it, a little scared? It makes you pretty vulnerable.

12.) Describe this person?
-I hate describing people. I can describe their inside or their outside, or both, but in general how do you describe someone? Seeing as the next question will probably be TRY, I guess I will do just that, try. Jake is...I am so at a loss for words. I mean, there is school Jake, and phone Jake. Phone Jake makes me happy and sad at the same time. Phone Jake makes me teal but in a good way, sort of? Phone Jake is the Jake I think I like the most, not that I dislike school Jake, just school Jake is more fake just as school basically anyone is. So OMG IT'S 11:11. Sorry, had to make a wish. Anyways, so Jake is really caring, and his feelings all seem to be strong. The people he cares about, he really cares about, and then the people who he decides that he doesn't, he doesn't. He's pretty emotional, but that is so understandable, because I just don't get how some people aren't emotional. He's smart, and strange, and very out there, and I can't say how much himself he is, but I like to think that he is himself a lot of the times, or at least around me, because I want to know that I'm talking about the real Jake in this myspace survey.

13.) Try.
-I already did.

14.) Do you think they'll fill this out?
-No, I don't. But I think that if he reads it, maybe, JUST MAYBE, he'll respond to it.

15.) Do you think they'll read it?
-I'm pretty sure that if he sees it he will.

16.) Is your relationship complicated?
-Not in the messy love-triangle kind of way, but it's complicated in the regular relationship kind of way. We can be overly mature sometimes, and then other times we do or say stupid things that hurt each other, and then there is schedule conflicts and our age and those factors obviously complicate things, but if you mean "is there 2 women involved" or something, then, no, it's not complicated, it's very straight forward. We are going out for sure, and we are a closed relationship for sure.

17.) Do you miss them right now?
-Yes. I really want to sit and talk to him for hours, in person, but I can't even talk to him on the phone because his is off. So that really sucks, because right now my mind and my entire body just wants to be near to him, and I just want to keep talking until there are no words left and then I just want to sit and look at each other until we both fall asleep. That is how I miss him right now, as in, if you didn't catch my answer before, yes I miss "them" right now.

18.) How would you feel if they told you they don't like you?
-Hurt, confused, horrible, sick, used, and other feelings that don't have words. Hurt, for obvious reasons I assume. Confused because I would want to know what had happened that had made him suddenly not like me, or if he hadn't liked me all along. Horrible because without my outlet I'd be this useless electricity that has no way of getting to the outside world. Sick because of that feeling you get when you hear bad news in the bottom on your stomach and the top of your throat. Used because I would wonder why he was bothering these last few months if it all just took an 180 in an instant.

19.) Do you think they are good looking?
-In a strange unconventional way? Like, you know that whole thing where you may not think someone is good looking, but if you like them, then some how to you they are good looking? I'm not sure if that's it, but I think it is, so somehow to me he is the best looking person ever. And of course, with the prettiest eyes.

20.) If you had to choose between them and your best friend, who would you choose?
-Well. God. Why am I having to choose? I mean, if HE made me do that, then my best friend. If my best friend made me do that then him. It really just depends who the pressure if coming from, because obviously the pressure is whoever I want to get away from. But if it was just some random outside force, then I'm not sure. I know that sounds horrible but I love them both, but one is easier to talk to, and one I've known forever and will always be there, and how do you choose? Because I mean in a way they are both my best friends. So I'm not sure how to answer this.

Oh boy.

Damn it. Damnit! Damnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnit! Grah! I am going to go insane. It feels like it's been days since I last talked to him, and these stupid 4 minute conversations that are just giving me a TASTE of what I COULD be having if he had time to talk are killing me. I feel like throwing up. I feel awful. What does withdrawl feel like? Anyone here know? If you do, pleeease comment. I am curious to know if it's what I'm feeling. I need to talk or to cry or something. I haven't had one of those long 4 hour talks in too long. To tell you the truth I'm not sure I COULD tell you when my last one was. I am assuming it was before finals, he wouldn't let me talk that long on a day of a final. So when were finals? And what does that mean for talking? It means I haven't just talked for a week or more. Do you know how insane that is for me? I have talked everything out of my system lately, and now I'm not doing that and my head is about to explode and my throat is going to collapse and my lungs are going to stop working unless my brain stops working first (though my lungs would stop working either way if you think about it). Can I really last until tommorow night? Can I? To be honest I'm not sure I can, not without some type of reprecussions, whatever they might be (why kind of reprecussions come from this sort of thing?). How on earth am I going to be able to sleep tonight? Sleep...gosh that seems like a far away thing, but I'm supposed to be doing it in about an half an hour. Are you kidding me? Sleep? Then? How on earth would one MANAGE such a thing. It's impossible, I'm sure of it. I can't sleep. I have to talk. I have a million things on my mind but I need a push to start saying them and not just anybody can give me that push because no one seems to be able to keep me rambling like he can and you'd think that it would be easy for anyone to, but I just feel more comfortable talking about anything and everything under the sun with him so that is who I really need to talk to now isn't it? Except that I have to wait and I am going to explode and I hate the fact that I don't think this stupid phone of his can recieve calls but only send them. Oh geez oh geez oh geez. Someone help me. My head feels so messy and jumbled and I can't hold a decent conversation with anyone without getting distracted by a different thought and I just need to ramble on. The only rambling I've had a chance to do today other than this is earlier in English. And yes, I loved that conversation of course. It was such a brilliant conversation and I wish that could have gone on for class periods and class periods and if you don't know the topic of conversation then here it is: What is society's mood over all. Are they pessimistic or optimistic (in general). And is society happy in general? For anyone who went to that one Philosophy Club Meeting, doesn't THAT sound familiar? I would keep up with this post but my ranting has switched over to an AIM conversation with David Fry and I really don't have the concentration right now to do both. tje;awoiti;awjetwaoet AHHH AHHH AHHH.
That is about what my brain sounds like right now, the last part that is. You know, the thing similar to w;jateiowaje AHHH AHH AHH. Oh boy.