The questioner

To My Dearest Readers,

I have recently discovered a much less stressful way of living, though I am not sure that I can really tell you which part of my life which has changed in the past month or so has made my life less stressful. It could be meeting one truley amazing person who can almost read my mind, or it could be talking to someone who I have known for a while who has brought my back down to earth, or it could possibly just be a change in a relationship that has made things a little more surface, but quite a bit more calm. Of course my life is going to change again in the next month or so, and I do welcome this change as one of the relationships feels a tad empty how it is, as does my day.
This however, if not what I wanted to convey to you all. What I wanted to tell you about is what I realized today while talking to a good friend of mine. I will welcome pain for one happy moment. I will endure sadness for one joyful time. I rather have 100 sad experiences for every one happy one than to have no experiences at all. That is to say that, if a mere 1% of my life is happy experiences than I would not end it, that I would keep on living to experience that 1%. This shows, obviously, that I am not suicidal, or does it? It does not say that I would not be wishing to die, I do not think, but shows that part of me will grip onto life despite the rest of me wanting to fall into the pit of death. This is not saying that at this moment, I wish to find a nice cliff and push myself off, and I'm not sure what it is saying at all. Maybe what I feel isn't true, maybe with 100 to 1 sad experiences I would not be able to stand it, but with overwhelming feelings of no escape, I do not reach for the one escape that is always ready.
Or maybe that's not true.
I'm not sure what is true anymore.
As a side note, does anyone know who I can trust? I feel there are two people, and had you told me who those two people were a month ago, I would have laughed in your face.
Or would have I?

From,
The questioner.