Whoops

I forgot to post on the last day of August. Oh well I guess.

Here goes another year!

I want to create something beautiful, and I have an idea for a non-fiction book.
I'll keep you updated on my progress of both (though I'm not posting anything about my non-fiction book in specifics on here, because this is public and if I really get going I don't want anything to be stolen).
However, I can keep you updated on the something beautiful all I want.

I had a really good night tonight.
Thanks for finally telling me. Not that you read this.
Not that I think you know of its existence, but it's all the same to me.

I want kisses and hugs from everyone. I'll return I promise. :D

I want to challenge myself more. I have this idea for a challenge a day, that someone gives me something everyday that challenges myself. Simple stuff, like...try a new food. Or dance in front of people, or talk to a certain person or just little personal challenges. If I can get this started I'll keep a nice little record on here, and a calendar of challenges, however I need some to get my started. PLEASE POST. I'll put something on facebook sometime too.

Anyways, LOVE.
Bye.

Summer Blog

I have a blog for the summer, though I'll write in this also.

http://www.explosioncommotion.blogspot.com

My dream girl don't exist, at the age of five she slit her wrists

Sometimes it hurts when you realize that other people have their own things going on and can't help you with what is going on with you. Everyone has their own shit going on and no one should except anyone else to care about our shit but we all do because we all need help but we all have to find it within ourselves. So then how do we get out of ruts?
I never realized what a drain a show is before I was in one. It's terrible. Physically exhausting and emotionally paralyzing if you ask me. Maybe that isn't true for everyone, but by the last day of the show I was so sick of being there I jsut sat on a desk backstage and tried to pretend like I wasn't there. I want to just sit and watch and laugh at people but I couldn't do that. Except that I didn't really want to laugh I wanted to cry. I can't always tell when I want to laugh and when I want to cry and when I start laughing and then want to cry or when I start crying and then want to laugh.
I spent an hour in the grass the other day.
I found a ball that my dog used to play with in my backyard next to an empty condom wrapper.
I like to look through Steve's room.
I hate standing at school in the morning because I'm alone no matter who I'm with.
I no longer care about saying what I have to say.
I don't think anyone reads this anymore anyways. I no longer know what I need to say.
I don't care.
I can't wait for school to be over with so I can get out.
I just want out.

I'm in a bedroom fourteen stories tall
With tinted glass and foggy windows
I just keep watching all along...

Crawl across towards your window
I'm calling softly from the street
Always a lonely widow
Half awake and sleeping on my feet
I'm of age but have no children
No quarter phone booth calls to home
Just late-night television
Inside my bedroom all alone

There is no use in waiting
Offer up your steps so I can climb
Show me all your figure paintings
Etched in the middle of the night
Let me stretch upon your carpet
Let me hear the rain tap on your street
Knowing I am safe on the inside
Blankets wrapped and drifting off to sleep

yeah...

I'm not feeling good today and I'm not feeling good tomorrow and I'm not feeling good until this fucking school year is over. I'm so sick of it. I just want it all to be over so I can get away from it already.

I took my AP test today.
I didn't make officer.
I have feelings I don't understand. Or rather feelings for someone I don't understand? Or maybe I do understand them.
I hope I do.

I want to go to Ann Arbor soon please?

I want to talk to someone soon also.
I need something to occupy myself. I project or something. Any ideas?
I just need something to pass the time other than lying around and being tired.

I don't know.
I'm thinking of things to do this summer. Maybe I'll make a list. That'll occupy me for a little while.

iwannamakenewfriends

So...
all the thoughts in my head.

• If there is ever an alarm attached to my chair and some young punk talks to my like I'm a child, I will find a way to kill myself.
• I imagine that if I ever were to kill myself at any age that I would write several lengthy suicide notes and never be satisfied with any of them, because that is how I am now with everything that I try to write or say or prove or live or breath or talk or whatever or whatever or whatever.
• I can't cry anymore. Not that I have a whole lot of time to cry, or that I have a whole lot of reasons to cry. But I don't know, it is weird, you know? I mean I always cry during movies and shows and I can't. And when I feel like shit I can't. And when I feel insulted and angry I can't react properly. I can't...I don't know. My emotions are all out of whack. My acting SUCKS because of it. I feel so disgusting when we're working on Sparks in the Park. I just know how bad I'm doing and I can't get into it so I keep messing up my lines even though I know them. And I just feel weird.
• I want to make some new friends! I want to make some new friends who don't already have these ideas about me so I can start to break out of this stupid weird shell I have myself in because I'm not how I act all the time and I can't stop it because people expect it and expect it and expect it and I just want to stop having people expect all this stuff and it isn't even something I like. I don't like it. I just want to break out and crawl away and find something that feels right and go to that instead of putting up this wall that doesn't even look like a wall. It probably looks more like glue or something to other people, like all I do is put myself all over everyone because that way they don't care what I say or what I do because all they see is that and that is all they care about because that is how people are right? Yeah. Right.

Much to do...

I wonder how easily I will be able to follow the goals I've set.
I wonder how much self-discipline I have.

Wow.

I just read over some old blog posts of mine, and was that weird.
For instance, I read over that one where I told 10 things about myself for Natalie, and it amazes me how much of that is still perfectly true for me, yet in a different way almost. And now I'm thinking like how I used to think a lot when I would post a blog. In an odd, beautiful, barely coherant and rambling way. Except when I read it over now with a fresh set of eyes it all makes sense to me-perfect sense. And I like that I'm thinking like this again, because I'm not sure how much I really think anymore.
So you want to know what? I'm not sad but I think I need to cry. I just think that I need to cry. I haven't really lately, and I've been lonely and I think it would make me feel better just to let some of that out. It's funny almost to me, but I don't know. I miss people. I miss having connections with those who are actually close by. Perhaps humans are meant to live in pairs, because it seems that people pair off a lot, not just in couples but in general. And when your friends start pairing off it's hard to have someone you can really turn to and have it feel natural. I mean, it's nice to have someone who will be there for you, but it's different than having that person who is the natural fit. It feels like all of my natural fits are far away, and that they might as well be in a different universe because that's how often they'll be able to be there in the physical sense. Oh I'm not sure.
I used to have some beautiful things to say. If you are feeling bored, read over some posts I made in March of last year. It amazed me and it might amaze you. Read over your OWN posts from a year ago...it's crazy. It's weird. It's foreign and familiar.

...long time ago...

Picture yourself when you're getting old.
Sat by the fireside a ponderin on.
Picture book, pictures of your mama, taken by your papa,
A long time ago.
Picture book, of people with each other, to prove they love each other,
A long time ago.

I sort of wonder if there is anyone I can go on a walk with anymore without having to talk much.
I sort of wonder why the days lately haven't felt like days at all, but more like spaces between dreams.
I sort of wonder why nothing feels as substantial as before, as if it isn't real.
I sort of wonder if how long I could walk by myself before becoming disillusioned.
I sort of hate disillusionment.
I sort of fear disillusionment.
I sort of feel sick of hearing that word.


::edit::

Things around me are not real. There is music playing in my ears that has all the certainty of tomorrow, and all the reality of a young child’s dreams. I feel the urge to walk on the earth that does not support the weight of my body. I know the smell of the outdoors but it is unfamiliar today. I am stuck in a day that is not a day, but instead a period between dreams. My actuality consists of factuality’s mistakes.

Odd.

It seems like whenever I read something bad or hear something bad, or really, when anything bad happens, I am always listening to the climax of an upbeat song.

"Don't overload yourself senior year, you'll get senioritis. Er...you'll increase the senioritis"

I know that you'll go soon. You'll find out so take me with you always.

I love Natalie Taylor for making me that CD by the way.
There was a long pause between then and now. I'm listening to Be Good now.

Anyways...

I'm lonely. Is that weird? I mean, I suppose it makes sense. I just miss having someone close by to hold me. Then again, even if I wasn't in this relationship I wouldn't have someone close by to hold me because...well...I just don't know that I'd be interested. So I guess I have no room to complain. I mean I got myself here, but still. I'm just a bit lonely. It makes me sad sometimes. It made me really sad the other night. I feel bad for Tyler, because I was crying and kinda being a passive agressive bitch. I don't think he knew what to do, and I don't think he realized how much I missed him in that moment. I guess it just happens to everyone.
I know it does.

I feel really detached from music ever since my iPod broke. It's frustrating me like crazy. I used to swim in it, if not drown in it. Now I am limited to a CD by the Microphones and the CD that Natalie Taylor made me. Thank for those though, or else I'd be going insane. I lost all of my Neutral Milk Hotel. And everything else that was on Steve's computer. Which was half of my good music. Plus I haven't put anything on this tiny 2 gig that my parents let me have (because they never used it) yet, so none of my music is portable because I don't have a CD player.
Gah.

I really feel like swimming. And loving.

It's fine.

Why didn't you call?
Why didn't you respond?
Why didn't you do something?
What does it matter to you?
Really, what does it matter to you?
Were you even listening?
Did you even care or was it just a nuisance?
Can you even admit to me that it was?
What. the. FUCK?
Do you even get how I feel right now?
I know you didn't hear what I was saying the first time.
You only realized when I called back.
But you obviously didn't realize then either.
Not until your Dad was making you get off the phone did you realize.
Well fuck it.
Whatever.

WHATEVER.

...

I never realized that my voice could reach the register that my mom's does when she's upset and screaming.
I guess it can.

This was an exhausting day.

Writing

http://feathersandribbons.blogspot.com/

Check it out.

With love.

It's been almost 20 days since I last wrote.

Just incase you didn't already know, DC was awesome. Probably the best time in my entire life up to this point.

And I met a boy there.
Or really, I met many boys there, as the ratio of boys to girls was 4 to 1, and there were about 400 people there. So I actually met several boys there, many of which I miss like crazy, since they live all over the country. I also met a girl, Mileysa, who lives in Puerto Rico. I love her to death.

But back to what I was getting at.

I met a boy there named Tyler. He's batshit insane and he is incredibly awesome and he lives in Virginia and I am his girlfriend.

The long distance thing...we'll make it work. It's working so far. The 18th...
I'm making him a box tomorrow with Chelsea. We have to figure out what to put in it. ;D

Now!
For anyone who is interested...
Write a story, or a poem, or SOMETHING based off of the line "and all the pretty hair fell down."
Post it in your blog obviously.
Hell, it can even just be one LINE.
Just...write something.
I'm interested.
I will write something too, and post it once I finish it.
Hopefully I'll post it by next Friday.
But I want to know what you all come up with also...

Well. One thing over.

That went...eurgh.
I'm single. I probably should have put that before the previous line. Ah well.
You get the picture.
I feel...out of it. I think it was the right thing to do, but I feel weird about it. I don't know.
I just feel really out of it and I simply want this day to end already, but at the same time I want to stay up to talk to a friend of mine who never ceases to put a smile on my face.
And I need a smile on my face.
And I need a hug.

DC tommorow.
:/

I don't think I'll have internet access.
This kind of hurts me...

In all honesty, I'm killing time...

All I have been able to listen to lately is Neutral Milk Hotel. Which is perfectly fine with me. I've become obsessed though. Jeff Mangum has to be one of the most interesting people alive. And the lyrics and sounds of every song are so great, not to mention you know how Mangum is, and you think about him creating these songs while he had himself locked up in a room, and you just sit there amazed. Not to mention I think that Neutral Milk Hotel has some of the most interesting fans ever. I feel like everyone I know (I'm not including myself here) who is a fan of NMH is intensely interesting. Even that English guy I met on youtube. I would post some of his poems here, but I don't know if he would want me to, but if you really want to read one, ask me. They are amazing, pure and simple. Well, the POEMS aren't pure and simple, but you get what I mean.

OW! I just hit my head. Argh...

So I was thinking about how I don't write much anymore, and how I feel like I am on the brink of being able to write again. I just don't feel like I've quite reached it, but like I'm close. I wrote something the other day. It's rather terrible, but I'll post it here anyways. It's a song, by the way.

I'm swimming in fantasies
Of death climbing over a
Miserable mountain of
Mystical imagries.

And the skeletons are falling off
Cliffs owned by memories of
The songs that'd been sung
To you, when you were a
Little girl.

You wished you were with me
When I laughed at the magistrate,
Like you wished you were with me
When I gave birth to the giantess.

And you tell me I'm funny
When I sit and play make believe,
And I tell you you're funny when
You act like you're happy now.

You cried when you found the end of
The rainbow. There was gold, silver
And jewelry, but not what you'd
Wished there was.

I followed you yesterday when you
Left them all forever. I was
Too afraid to talk to you,
But I think you felt my presence.
We know you're not old enough,
We know that now you never will be.
I hope that you're happy now.
I'm as happy as I ever will be.

I was listening to Every Planet We Reach is Dead when I wrote that (by the Gorillaz). I don't see how that really matters, but I thought I would mention it. Feel free to comment.

I hate time zones. I really generally am annoyed at the concept of times and dates lately. I know that we need them to function as a society, but aren't they just a little too damn restricting. We wouldn't get anything done without them but sometimes I don't want to get anything done. I wish it was summer or something so I could just have time to indulge in my fantasies. I don't even get mid winter break, because of my trip to D.C. It's very frustrating. All I want lately is to slip into all of those fluid, free-forming, sweet and terrible urges, and instead I am going to a National Youth Leadership Forum on National Security. Taken my present state of being lately (Uta Hagen much?) this might become soul numbing. Thank god for the rather short plane ride where I can pretend and imagine.

aewgoijt

This only serves as further proof that I shouldn't talk to guys I care about past 9:30P.M.

God Fucking Damn It.

16 and growing up so fast.

In Liz's blog she said that she was out of here in two years.
I hadn't realized.
Is that all that it is?
Really?
I feel like I have so much more growing up to do before I go off to college, but two years? That's really not so much, is it?
I mean, I suppose that it really is a lot when you think about it, but at the same time...wow. I guess I just hadn't noticed that it was so close. I'm 3/8 done with high school. I'm kind of scared to leave high school to be honest. I know that sounds silly, and it's not that I'm not ready to go off on my own...it's just weird to think about I suppose. I just hadn't realized that that is all it is. It's funny how four years sounded like forever and 2 and a half sounds like almost nothing.
Yet at the same time it sounds like forever and I wonder if we will ever get to leave.
Then I actually think of that song High School Never Ends (which I only know because of it is featured in an Ouran High School Host Club AMV). I was thinking of all the condesending, inconsiderate to the EXTREME, ridiculous, gossiping, back stabbing, BITCHES that fill high school and I'm realizing that they are never going to go away. I am always going to be surrounded by the same immature idiots that I am with now, even if their names and faces change.
Is it weird that we don't think of our best friends in that way? I mean, best friends change over time, that's how life is, but we don't think of them as the same people with a different name and face.
I wonder why that is.
I wonder if they are?

There's nothing.

I WANT SOMETHING TO SAY!

EXCITEMENT!

Well, none of these things were supposed to have anything to do with the new year, they all just happened to fall at this time.
New goals, new boyfriend, new ideas, new many things.

Here is a little list.

1.) Obviously, I have a new boyfriend. For those of you who don't know, his name is Don Gurka. I probably see him different than any of the people reading this. I like him quite a bit. I hope it's a good relationship. ;D

2.) New journal. It's pretty so I don't want to waste it. I am committing to writing at least 10 minutes a day before I go to bed. I just figure that it will be good for me, plus I won't have a half filled journal. ;D

3.) Danyelle was talking to me before break about how she set apart time to work on her story that she would use no matter what, even if she only got a little bit done. I think I am going to do that. I suppose that way I will be forced to continue a story, as long as I actually do it. So, I guess I'll prove to myself whether or not I can finish what I start.

4.) Liz and I have committed to going to the gym at least 2 times a week. I think Tuesday's and Thursdays. Any takers on going with me on another day? I figure if I have a partner to go to the rec with and work out that I will actually do it, because we will depend on each other. That way I can get in shape. Not lose weight, get in shape, for those people who are thinking that I think I'm fat.

5.) Okay. So this I was thinking of because of Moral Orel, and The Mountain Goats, and the Alpha Couple and my family fighting. I was thinking of becoming the "alpha child." Just speak to my parents when spoken to or when in polite conversation, no back talking, just do the things they say when first asked. Basically, just be a really good kid. I know that that sounds kind of silly, like, okay, what is the big deal... but what teen is really like that? And I mean to the extreme. I don't know...I just figure it'll be easier. It'll probably fall through, but...it's an idea I'm tossing around.