Katie is not a Guitar Hero, Katie is a Guitar Loser.

It's the long break, and I have 3 more days left including today. A quick overview of how it's gone so far:
Wednesday after school- Pick up Steve and girlfriend (Erica) from school....very long car ride.
Thursday- Go to Uncle Daryl's house, eat, hang out for a bit, come home, go on the computer for a while. Play guitar hero that night while sort of talking to Jake, who says he wants to hang out with me on Friday really badly.
Friday- Wait for Jake to call for a little bit, decide to call him, he doesn't answer, call him a few more times, no answer, get frustrated, day is wasted, end up going to mall with parents and bookstore that night. Talk to Jake later that night who explained that he got pulled into family stuff and didn't have his phone. He says I'll call you tommorow at 10.
Saturday: It's 10:35, still no sign of Jake calling. Again.
Okay, so I don't want to be one of those whiny girls who complains about how her boyfriend won't call her all the time, but this is the second day in a row, and it's really frustrating me. DOES he really want to see me? I mean if he does I would have thought that he would have called me or something, I know that he's up because he was online earlier, but was away, and then signed off. So shouldn't he call me like he said he was going to so we can hang out, and if we can't hang out can't he at least call me to tell me so, so I won't have another wasted day? This is really getting me kind of upset. I haven't seen him outside of school in forever, I think something like 2 weeks. I miss him, but he doesn't call. My god that frustrates me. I think I am going to go beat up a tree or something to take out my anger.
If he doesn't call soon I suppose that I'll call him, but I really wish that he'd call me, so I would be less angry with him. Bleh.
Anyways, tommorow I am either going to the Piston's game with Lizzi and my parents, or just hanging out with Lizzi while my parents go to the game. Personally I hope for the latter, because I really don't want to go to the Piston's game, which I really didn't think about when Dad asked me, I just figured that they had already asked everyone else and I was the only option left like they usually do, but no, this was the one time they considered me first, which is dumb because I haven't watched basketball in a long time, I didn't watch it at all last season. Gah. So yeah, I hope I'm just hanging out with Lizzi tommorow.
As of Monday, I have no clue what I am doing. Hopefully I'll be spending the day with someone. I don't want to go in the car ride back up to Central whenever that is going to be. Dad stayed awake on his own, I was the one who was asleep.
So yesterday I started to make my Christmas list. I started to list books, but I cut my self off pretty soon because I realized it would cost too much money, so I made a new list that was only 8 books and 2 CD's, instead of 24 books and 12 CD's. I was tempted to put "Jones" on the list, as in, Jone's Soda, or the kind I drink "Jones Natural". Bananaberry and Strawberry Manillow are delicious. Bananaberry is my favorite though, ever since I accidentally stole one at the Harry Potter opening. Oh, the phone is ringing. God damn it, not even close to who I wanted to call. I don't care about Advantage Research. Geh.
So now on the subject of crying:
People seem to be talking about crying a lot, as in, people seem to be crying a lot, myself included I suppose. Why do we find the need to cry so much? And why do we always cry over the stupidest things that we don't want to share because it's embarrassing? Crying just makes your face blotchy and your eyes puffy, and personally, I don't think it does anything to make you feel better, you just feel like you are drowning, as you're wet and can't breath. How is drowning supposed to make you feel better? I don't want to drown, I've almost done it before.
I don't want to drown.
And who does?

"I hate when good people hate themselves"- Jake

I doubt myself too much.
I have been spazzy, paranoid and freaking out lately. I complained to Teri about all my worries, and she told them all to Jake. Normally I would have gotten angry at this, but I sort of wanted him to know how I felt. Unfortunately this made him worry that I don't trust him, and don't trust what he says (as in, I love you).
That is so incredibly wrong though. I do trust him, I just doubt myself, so I told him so, and I hoped that it wouldn't affect us. He said it would though, because it's not good for me to doubt myself. I agree, but as me and a friend of mine says, it's a hard habit to pull yourself out of. It's hard to NOT doubt yourself once you've started. But I want to not doubt myself, and I promised Jake that I would think more positively. Can you imagine how angry I would be with myself if I let my "temporary ignorance" (his words) ruin our relationship? Imagine how you would feel if you accidentally set the house on fire and everyone in there except you died. Horrible. That is sort of what I think I would be feeling.
But I don't need to feel horrible. I need to feel positive, I need to feel confident. I need to look at the good aspects of myself, not the bad. I have to stop thinking that everyone thinks I'm a scary freak. I should be able to look at all the friends I have and go, "obviously, SOME people don't" and that should be that. And it will be. I will be able to look around and feel good about myself. And I will be able to soon.
All I have to do is change my way of thinking, and I'll be all set...and I will do it. :]

Life has a good laugh at us.

Have you ever thought of life as an entity? As in, life is a being, and it is just really into self mutilation, by which I mean it just laughs at us when we mess it up? It's a very interesting way to think about it personally.
On the topic of life, why is it so hard to live? How come no matter what we do we must mess life up? And how come when you look around at people no a days, no wants wants to bother trying any more. Have you gone through a suicidal experience, thought, or anything? If you have even thought suicidally, think about it. Life was laughing at you then, wasn't it? I'm not saying this because I just tried to kill myself or something, I was just thinking about it. If you have thought about suicide, what was it that saved you? What in this world 'saved' you from telling life to stop laughing and that you'd just leave it alone now? What made you not go over to play with death instead? Was it simply by accident, like you tripped and life pulled you back or something, or was it a conscious desicion, like you got half way there and turned around deciding that death looked kind of pissed off right now and that you might want to try again later.
Does life always laugh?
Does is ever just smile?
Does it ever frown?
When it does is it because you are no longer messing it up?
Does it get bored?
Is life laughing at you?

The first tear has fallen.

I love beautiful songs. They remind me of rain. Rain is beautiful. The way it feels as it runs down your skin, the noise it makes on a rooftop, the feeling and thoughts that it brings to mind. Rain is sad like tears, but it is one of the most naturally wonderful things out there. The touch of it reminds you of why you are alive, if not simply reminding you that you are living in the first place. I love rain, and I love songs that put me in a mood.
I sincerely hope that you know the type of feeling that I am talking about. The kind that just washes over your entire body. I know that it is the type of mood I will be falling asleep with tonight. I will fall asleep crying tonight without being sad in anyway. I will greet my dreams with a watery smile, and maybe just tonight let them run free without me taking control of them. See what my subconcious says tonight, not what I say. Is it possible that my dreams could hold the beauty of the rain? I hope so.
I could stay in this mood forever. I used to call it my "coldplay" mood. A mood that that band would put me in, where everything was going to be okay, but in a sad way. Like an old person looking back on their life. It's the type of mood I have to be in to watch movies like Big Fish.

The first tears has just fallen. The chills ran through my body. This is what life is made of.

Triscuits

I will admit right off that Triscuits have absolutely nothing to do with my post, but I have been staring at an empty box of them for the past five minutes. It seemed like just as good of a title as anything else could have been. I sometimes wish that life was more like Triscuits, layered, but over all basically simple and good. Unfortunately, life is not simple and good, it is messy, confusing and only sometimes good.
There has been a lot of drama going around lately it seems. I have been caught in bits of it, and watched from the sidelines for other parts. I really feel sorry for people stuck in drama. Sure, life would be boring without a bit of it, but when you are in the middle you much rather have there be no drama at all. Luckily, I have friends to rant it all out at. I had a nice talk that lasted hours with a good friend of mine and I got a lot out, and it was nice. Of course though when I got home, more drama had been stirred up. That is how quick drama acts. There can never be a moment without it. It spreads that quickly.
Basically, that little tid-bit about drama is all the detail I really want to get into about it. Writing too much about drama can only lead to more drama, and I am not really fond of that happening. I have already had a blog cause drama, another one causing drama would be down right ridiculous.
One thing sprung into my mind from the talk that was previously mentioned. I have virtually no charisma. This is one of things about myself that bothers me most. I had never been able to phrase the wording quite correctly for what was bothering me (isn't that coincidental?), but charisma really is the right word. It's one of the main differences between me and my brother. We both attract people, and we both normally are able to get people to want to listen to us, but people like my brother more because he has more charisma. I personally am worried that charisma really is one of those things that you are either born with or you never have. I really wish I did have it though. I can work on it the best I can, but it doesn't mean that I can ever be quite there. I find this unfair. Maybe it's completley ridiculous for me to find this so, but to want something so bad and have no way of being able to gain it? How is that fair?
I'm cold. I wish this triscuit box wasn't empty.

Why yes, I have changed.

Have you ever looked back on the past few years on your life, and then looked at your life now just to see how different you are compared to back then? It really is a weird thing to think about, how you can practically be a completely new person. Unfortunately it seems that some traits stay, and not always the ones you want to stay. For example, I am still completely hard-headed, annoying, and I don't always think about everything before I act (though of course other things I think over and over and over about before I act). It really is interesting to think about yourself as two different people, me 2 years ago and me now.

Now that that's out of my way...

David Armstrong told me that he doesn't really like music. I don't get that. He's the second person I have ever met to have told me that. How can one not like music? Music is what makes me life continue without it falling into a miserable pit. I use it to release my anger, I use it to help me explode when I'm happy, I use it to sleep, I use it to think, I use it for everything. If I went back and took music out of my life it would be completely different. I wouldn't have made the same decisions, hell, I might have killed myself by now. I am listening to music right now for example. What got me through some fights? Music. So when someone tells me that they don't like music I simply do not and will never understand what they do in their life.
Switching to a completely different and unrelated topic, I was thinking about friends. The first thing I was thinking about is how my friends have changed since, say, seventh grade. I have so many different friends now, and apparantly a lot (as in Jake was telling me about how half this school seems to know him as "Katie's boyfriend"...). Anyways, so look at the friends I am with now, and then look at the friends I was friend with last year. I have a whole lot of different friends. Not to say that I don't have some of the old friends, but as Lizzi said, some longer-had friends don't even know half my friends now. Now, i dont' think this is good or bad, but it's just odd. The other things I was thinking about when it comes to friends, is what kind of friend I am. I mean, I can either be a great friend or a miserable friend. I'd like to think that I am normally a good friend, but I don't totally feel that way. There is one shining example where I am a miserable one, which I'm sure that many of you could figure out if you thought about it. It's just weird though. You always here that "quality over quantity" thing, but what is my quality as a friend? What makes people want to be my friend? I don't understand what aspects about me they like. How have I made these new friends? Seriously, how did I manage. I have always been kind of weird when first meeting people, and tend to be overly...well...I'm not even sure what the word is for what I am, but I know it would start out as overly. And then when I become comfortable with them I calm down. But...egh. Quality. It's a strange thing to think about.
So I have more to talk about, some which I am not going to put in a blog, and some of which I completely forgot that I wanted to say ,and its' really bugging me, but I am going to get going now. Peace.

Jealous hypocritical bitch!

I have been thinking philosophically, and looking in on myself in the last....well, less than 24 hours. The first thing I was thinking of wasn't so philosophical as it was about myself. I am a very hypocritical person as anyone who knows me can tell. For example, I should not make out with someone and then get angry/jealous when my boyfriend has his arm around that same person. Sure, that sounds funny, but I am a little jealous whore. I am jealous of Andrea. I don't care if it was Halloween and she was dressed up as me, I didn't like Seeing Jake's arm around her, even if it was joking. That was disgusting, but it also make me a hypocrite. But a good thing for me is that I decided I don't want to be anything sexual with anyone except Jake. Isn't that suprising coming from me?
The next thing I was thinking about was a lot more philosophical, and was brought up by Alison Ho. My brother just turned 20, and I said so to Alison, and she said that she is scared of turning 20. I thought about this for a minute, and I am afriad of getting older too. Time scares me. Time is completely uncontrollable, but it completely controls your life. You can't make it last longer, or pass by slower, it is what is is, and you can't stop that. Then, eventually, time stops and you die, and then you don't even have the comfort of something being there. You are dead. No more time controlling your life. Time is everything, but when you think about it, time is nothing. We made up time, it's endless because it doesn't exsist, but in our world, we don't have enough of it. Maybe only Natalie Cote would understand what the hell I was trying to say there, but for anyone who does, do you not agree that it is a scary thought?
The last thing that I was thinking about was both philosophical and about myself. I was thinking about how I affect someones life. Yesterday I had someone tell me that they look up to me. I had never thought of myself having any traits to be admired, and I had never thought that I was the kind of person who anyone could look up to. It made me think...how do I affect peoples lives? What is my impact upon others, and what would they be like if I had never exsisted? Would some people be more introverted? Would some people me more outgoing? Would some people be sadder...would others be happier? Would all of those be true? What would everyone else be like if I wasn't me? What is I was here but another person in my life wasn't, so I was no longer the same person? Would that change everyone else around me too? It's an interesting thing to think about. I've thought about these things before, but had never come to any type of conclusion except that I think everything would different in some way or another. When I was in 5th-8th grade I did a lot of thinking, and if you knew me in that time up until now, you can see how much I've changed. I am a lot happier now, and I lot less caring about what other people think. I think this is because I know that just by being myself I can affect people in a much more positive way. I had a friend confirm this. They said that I am refreshing after all the people who are clones. I don't know how many people agree with her, but, it's nice to know that for at least a few people I am something positive in their life. I can help. I can make someones life better. It gives you more meaning when you know that someone cares about you being there, not that you should judge your life's meaning based on other people. No matter what though, it's a good feeling.
Some less philosophical things are going on in my life too, such as the fact that Jake is going to be incredibly busy in the near future, but hopefully I get to see him this weekend. If we hang out later today then he is going to be hanging with me and Lizzi I think, which I really hope he doesn't mind, but there is just no other way we can hang out today really. If we hang out tommorow hopefully that can be by ourselves, but I really don't know how that is going to work out. Eeks. I toast him so much. xD
I lost freshman elections, which I am fine with. Steve was like, "if I had run for student council president I would have been able to win easily," and I was just kind of like, shove it Steve. Either than that though I am glad that Steve is home for the weekend. I really do miss him when he is gone, but I'm not sure how much he misses me. Is always talking about how much he doesn't like home and how he likes college better. I'm not sure that he realizes how it makes me feel when he says that, but I'm not gonna get too upset over it.
I saw Grandpa in the hospital for the first time. It was really gross when he showed us the staples from the surgeory. It was nasty, he has a really long cut up the center of his stomach all the way to his chest, and it has staples every centimeter or so. Steve hardly looked and I was trying to look away but I felt that it'd be rude, so I just kept looking until he covered it back up. I really didn't like seeing that, and I really didn't like seeing Grandpa in the hospital. He was acting the same and everything, but he was just more weak than usual, noticably, but everyone said he looked a lot better than yesterday. I can't imagine what he would have looked like yesterday. I shudder to think about it. He seems like he's going to be okay though, he should be out of the hospital soon. I'm really glad that he is gonna be fine.
OH, back to the subject of Jake. Can you believe that my parents liked him? I thought that was really strange. My brother doesn't like him, but he has no reason for not liking him as he's never met him. But I'm glad that my parents like him. I was so worried that they were going to hate him, and I spazzed out and over warned them so they thought he was gonna be this horrible kid. Then afterwards they were like, "why did you talk about him that way?" and I just kind of shrugged and didn't explain that I was just worrying so much about how you guys were going to see him. Oh well. It turned out all good.
Actually, life right now is basically all good for me. My grades appear to be doing fine too. ; D