Jealous hypocritical bitch!

I have been thinking philosophically, and looking in on myself in the last....well, less than 24 hours. The first thing I was thinking of wasn't so philosophical as it was about myself. I am a very hypocritical person as anyone who knows me can tell. For example, I should not make out with someone and then get angry/jealous when my boyfriend has his arm around that same person. Sure, that sounds funny, but I am a little jealous whore. I am jealous of Andrea. I don't care if it was Halloween and she was dressed up as me, I didn't like Seeing Jake's arm around her, even if it was joking. That was disgusting, but it also make me a hypocrite. But a good thing for me is that I decided I don't want to be anything sexual with anyone except Jake. Isn't that suprising coming from me?
The next thing I was thinking about was a lot more philosophical, and was brought up by Alison Ho. My brother just turned 20, and I said so to Alison, and she said that she is scared of turning 20. I thought about this for a minute, and I am afriad of getting older too. Time scares me. Time is completely uncontrollable, but it completely controls your life. You can't make it last longer, or pass by slower, it is what is is, and you can't stop that. Then, eventually, time stops and you die, and then you don't even have the comfort of something being there. You are dead. No more time controlling your life. Time is everything, but when you think about it, time is nothing. We made up time, it's endless because it doesn't exsist, but in our world, we don't have enough of it. Maybe only Natalie Cote would understand what the hell I was trying to say there, but for anyone who does, do you not agree that it is a scary thought?
The last thing that I was thinking about was both philosophical and about myself. I was thinking about how I affect someones life. Yesterday I had someone tell me that they look up to me. I had never thought of myself having any traits to be admired, and I had never thought that I was the kind of person who anyone could look up to. It made me think...how do I affect peoples lives? What is my impact upon others, and what would they be like if I had never exsisted? Would some people be more introverted? Would some people me more outgoing? Would some people be sadder...would others be happier? Would all of those be true? What would everyone else be like if I wasn't me? What is I was here but another person in my life wasn't, so I was no longer the same person? Would that change everyone else around me too? It's an interesting thing to think about. I've thought about these things before, but had never come to any type of conclusion except that I think everything would different in some way or another. When I was in 5th-8th grade I did a lot of thinking, and if you knew me in that time up until now, you can see how much I've changed. I am a lot happier now, and I lot less caring about what other people think. I think this is because I know that just by being myself I can affect people in a much more positive way. I had a friend confirm this. They said that I am refreshing after all the people who are clones. I don't know how many people agree with her, but, it's nice to know that for at least a few people I am something positive in their life. I can help. I can make someones life better. It gives you more meaning when you know that someone cares about you being there, not that you should judge your life's meaning based on other people. No matter what though, it's a good feeling.
Some less philosophical things are going on in my life too, such as the fact that Jake is going to be incredibly busy in the near future, but hopefully I get to see him this weekend. If we hang out later today then he is going to be hanging with me and Lizzi I think, which I really hope he doesn't mind, but there is just no other way we can hang out today really. If we hang out tommorow hopefully that can be by ourselves, but I really don't know how that is going to work out. Eeks. I toast him so much. xD
I lost freshman elections, which I am fine with. Steve was like, "if I had run for student council president I would have been able to win easily," and I was just kind of like, shove it Steve. Either than that though I am glad that Steve is home for the weekend. I really do miss him when he is gone, but I'm not sure how much he misses me. Is always talking about how much he doesn't like home and how he likes college better. I'm not sure that he realizes how it makes me feel when he says that, but I'm not gonna get too upset over it.
I saw Grandpa in the hospital for the first time. It was really gross when he showed us the staples from the surgeory. It was nasty, he has a really long cut up the center of his stomach all the way to his chest, and it has staples every centimeter or so. Steve hardly looked and I was trying to look away but I felt that it'd be rude, so I just kept looking until he covered it back up. I really didn't like seeing that, and I really didn't like seeing Grandpa in the hospital. He was acting the same and everything, but he was just more weak than usual, noticably, but everyone said he looked a lot better than yesterday. I can't imagine what he would have looked like yesterday. I shudder to think about it. He seems like he's going to be okay though, he should be out of the hospital soon. I'm really glad that he is gonna be fine.
OH, back to the subject of Jake. Can you believe that my parents liked him? I thought that was really strange. My brother doesn't like him, but he has no reason for not liking him as he's never met him. But I'm glad that my parents like him. I was so worried that they were going to hate him, and I spazzed out and over warned them so they thought he was gonna be this horrible kid. Then afterwards they were like, "why did you talk about him that way?" and I just kind of shrugged and didn't explain that I was just worrying so much about how you guys were going to see him. Oh well. It turned out all good.
Actually, life right now is basically all good for me. My grades appear to be doing fine too. ; D